hello everyone! i must say, it is so nice to find a community of ENTJ's!
i'd spent most of my earlier years socially accepted by my peers, in high school i took part in "leadership" classes and activities, i had a great time. i generally stick to "the golden rule"-- treating others as i would like to be treated. i used my social rank and powerful "popular" (or whatever that means) social group to protect those who were bullied, and was a mother-type leader to anyone who ever needed help.
no boys ever wanted to date me (i am definitely a late bloomer in that regard) but i didn't care so much to be popular among the men, more so one man in particular... for the most part it was unrequited love, of course.
in my first year of university my popularity continued, until things started to matter. suddenly, the happy-go-lucky veil of childhood was lifted and competition was in full force. no longer were my accomplishments overlooked because i was someone considered "too sweet" to hate. in addition, i began to grow into myself. suddenly, the mysterious and attractive man sitting in my political science class, the one who would have never looked at me twice a year earlier, was asking me for coffee.
i was actually so shocked that my first assumption was that it was a practical joke! i didn't even meet up with him in fear that someone was playing a trick on me!
over the years i've accepted my fate-- at one point i felt that being an ENTJ was a curse, i have been trying to escape it! it has caused me an immeasurable amount of alienation. my friendships are hard, i find my friends suffer tragically over self-inflicted pain (aka... if the first married man you were involved with did not leave his wife, nor did the second, what would make you think that the third time would be any different?). my friends are all accomplished, doctors, novelists, powerful business women. usually a decade-or-two older than me.
quite recently i ran into an ENTP in a cafe, a woman who has since become a friend, and my life has been able to open up again. i just find people to be so frivolous, like sheep running through an obstacle course, or rats in a rat race. often i try to step off-course, analyze the destination of the main population, walk briskly to the end and meet everyone there.
the loneliness comes with the wait. in waiting for the destination to harmoniously reach the same conclusions i doubt myself.
i've proven to myself that i can determine most societal trends with an 80-90 percent accuracy, as a perfectionist, my success ratio of 80:10/90:10 leaves a 10-20% gap that shakes my confidence and makes me judge my own accuracy.
i find a lot of my loneliness comes from a lack of confidence. we look around at the world and see so many people making simple mistakes and are often too humble to wonder if we are any different. If the MB system is as accurate as it seems, and there are so few ENTJ's world-wide, then there needs to be a way to harness our skills and deepen our determination.
my personal challenge is believing in myself. as a canadian, we have a condition many call "canadian tall poppy syndrome". as soon as one poppy grows taller than the rest it is levelled to be the same height as the field. i have fallen victim to the poppy knife, and have persisted. at age 18 i was a published journalist, at 19 i was guest-lecturing in university, at 20 i'd established a small media-relations consulting firm, and at 22 i was a political campaign strategist for elections from national to civic.
in all situations a "where did she come from, and why did she take the job i have worked hard to get for three years" attitude was clear. i tell myself that i work smart, not hard, and that if others have an issue, it should not be mine. i am having a difficult time, however, maintaining that attitude. i am extraordinarily friendly, outwardly happy to help, enthusiastic and not openly-competitive.
i just feel completely socially alienated in a beaten-down sense. as if society/my peers are condemning me for possessing a smart-work attitude, what can i do?
i know this was slightly long-winded, and i certainly do not expect anyone to read such a long post, but it feels good to let it all out. these feelings have been caged-up for the better part of 23 years and i just don't know what to do or where to go anymore!
also, i really don't mean to brag about my accomplishments, but i really wanted to convey the situation bluntly and seriously. my apologies to anyone who may feel that i am being boastful or arrogant. my tone is very humble, and a little bit broken-hearted.
i wish you all the luck in the world, and hope we can all find happiness down whichever paths we choose!