Could I be independent of it all


#1

I must say that I have a great need to be independent of it all . I wish I could not longer have that inner conflict between my emotions . K wish I could care less if I am good in the eyes of others or a bad person . I wish I could just be myself because I really am tired . I feel like I am stuck . I am planning , doing , failing , then getting anxious and the cycle goes on and on . I have no friends at the moment as I decided to end my friendship with my ex friends when I felt that I am trapped and they weren’t good for me . I just want to be happy but whatever I do seem to be wrong . I have insecurity about my self even though I seem to people as a very confident person . I always suspect on a unconscious level that others think less of me or don’t find me attractive . I feel pain anxious frustrated afraid but I can’t confess my feelings it’s like I don’t know why they exist there but they are supported by my failures and feelings of inadequacy . Sometimes I feel that a bad news for my family as I think I might be causing trouble and unhappiness being myself . I avoid talking to my family memebers as I found most of what they are talking about is bullshit . I don’t know why I constantly fail why I lose that determination in the middle of the road why I am feeling lost . Sometimes I wish I no longer exist just to avoid living here in this world .
I read a lot of things in the forum about entj but I feel anxious as I can’t find a practical solution that will take me to the next level . I see most people who are inadequate but still hide it and try to enjoy life even though their life is quite miserable and they are living a routine as average people . I don’t know how to live like that . I find it extremely impossible for me to live like that as an average person who just want a job a home and a wife and children . It seems very mundane lifestyle . I wish I could find someone to get me out that shit I am in . I am confident enough that I can do anything but when I want to do it I find my emotions getting in my way and so on a .
I am really tired and depressed


#2

You should learn appreciate more having those emotions. They keep you from losing it. Going nuts.

Those emotions are smarter than you think of them. And they will drive you. And drive you mad. (already). Resistance is futile.

They are bulwark against allowing yourself to chase delusions. And they know that you are delusional. And they know it very well.

I do not know who is more disgusting to them. The people around you who constantly try to feed you with their own delusions. Or you who is unable and inexperienced enough to resist to them.


#3

I don’t know man how to deal with my emotions . I try to express them but I don’t feel I am gaining something . When I ask myself what do I want to do with my , I expect to know what I want and be emotionally invested to do it . The truth I don’t find that heart connection . Also I find it hard how to stop myself from working and just enjoy life . It’s getting on my nerve .


#4

You expect your emotions to entrust themselves to 21 years old person who has almost no life experience, who sees no big picture? And allow themselves to be victims of some delusional thinking that could be easily avoided by knowing where you will land before you jump?

That doesn’t sound like a good strategy isn’t it?

Maybe there is no goal that you wish to follow or invest in it. What it is then? Do you have to live in a constant fear that next move or next step will be your last?

It is that fear that drives you. You are trying to overcompensate by showing loyalty to your delusions to the fullest in the hope that they become your salvation. But obviously somewhere between the lines your emotions has already solved partially that dilemma too and they realize the futility of that loyalty to the delusions that you are having. They are not sure that they will save you just like people around you are advocating and advertising it.

But what did you expect? You said yourself. These people lead mediocre life that you would wish none for yourself. And then you expect them to give you a sound advice?

Like I said, your emotions are smarter than you. Obey!