I’m not looking to get married, and I’m pretty content having less friends, with quality over quantity in mind. If somebody is smart, I tend to pick up on it rather quick regardless and turn off the automatic responses and begin to listen. I’m generally pretty good at observing people, so I usually know somebody pretty well before even talking the first time.
There are a ton of potential relationships, but I’m really only interested in relationships with people who I think are fairly smart/competent, the exception being when people have really good character and are trustworthy. I get bored of people far too easily.
My approach is based around the fact that I see most relationships as very temporary, at least in this stage of my life, so I don’t really feel like wasting my time. If somebody comes around that gets my attention, I stop and put more time into the relationship by focusing on them, and be more straight-forward with them.
Your story is making me picture a couple of smart people talking to each other; the male being patronizing, and the female trying to milk it for what it’s worth, only for them both to leave and think nothing of the other one. I wonder how much this happens.
I understand it. Privately, he’s quick to condemn when some misbehavior appears to be going on and I think fears that others will treat him the same way. The reservation I have is he’s overboard about keeping secrets to avoid criticism. Some of the secrets he keeps are unnecessary and even counter productive to his goal of maintaining his positive image. For example, he will occasionally choose a risky option in a situation where the consequences would affect others, even when a conflict of interest question could later be raised. If I were doing the same, I would just put it out there to the affected parties ahead of time. These things often come out eventually anyway. Unless the risk was something wildly insane, (and it never is), as a personal favor, I would support his decision and be willing to accept any bad consequences because it was important to him. Since he doesn’t trust in my support being there for him and hasn’t been entirely up front with me about everything, I can’t trust him enough to take it beyond friendship, if that makes sense.
One thing that makes him feel more secure with me is when I express my feelings, especially any vulnerabilities. And that is very very hard for me to do. But when I do, it’s amazing how much he relaxes and how gracious he is. If he understands the vulnerabilities involved, he will cover your back like you wouldn’t believe.
Edit: When I say cover your back, I don’t mean verbally, he will be proactive and go to great lengths on your behalf.
I know what you mean about how people make choices that avoid criticism and censure, as well as hurting people. This isn’t just an F preference thing, I know a few NTs that are not always completely truthful because they want to avoid criticism. I do not trust people who make who do either or both of the above things. To me, if they are doing this, they have their “game face” on, which means they do not entirely trust me! I would prefer to hear the truth even if it is not pleasant or not well delivered. Too much work for me because I will have to factor in all these things when I interact with them, for short term temporary interactions. Basically pretty much what you said.
Haha which NTs, poodle? I would guess INTP and/or ENTP? They are both very sweet about how they maintain harmony without compromising themselves. They are willing to put conflict aside and be supportive when the situation calls for it, esp the ENTP, deftly balancing honesty and tact. ESTPs can also balance without crossing the insincerity line.
ENFJ has been in a bad place this week and I can tell I’m just not saying what he needs to hear which is distressing to me. I blew off steam by spending time with an ISTP who is coping with some major changes in his life. There is something about the way our cognitive functions interact that leaves us both feeling energized and relaxed at the same time. Soul mate. I will have to analyze that dynamic. I don’t think I will ever have anything that satisfying with ENFJ.
INTJs are the variety of NTs I was referring to. I seem to meet more INTJs than any other type of NT. What they do is that they do not tell you the real truth, because they do not want to look bad, which is just as bad as not telling the truth because they are afraid they will upset you.
I think I am getting better at identifying INTPs. I’ve met a few recently. However I do know anyone who has tested as an ENTP, so I can’t say I would recognise one when I meet one.
I am going to have to make people I know take the test!! This will be interesting.
Poodle. I’m curious if you’re meeting these INTJ types online or in person. I know the internet can be the natural habitat for young INTPs/INTJs. IF in person, where do you meet multiple INTJs? Most of the time it seems, at least to me, that it would take a while to know an INTJ well enough to type them, that you probably wouldn’t see them again before getting the chance.
Actually, a pretty funny story, but I was certain one of my friends typed as an ENTP, and he ended up being INTJ.
I don’t really know many people online. Most of the NTs I know are people I know in real life.
Where do I meet these INTJs and other NTs in real life? Everywhere and anywhere. Its just a question of being diplomatic, friendly and open to meeting people even if they seem kinda eccentric or strange. INTJs and INTPs seem a little “eccentric” and may not have perfected their interpersonal skills. So never judge a book by its cover. I learnt never to dismiss anyone who does not fit the “safe middle class mold” - you know jcrew like outfits, linen shirts, armani suits, mont blanc pens, coach handbags etc. I am very very very vary of the ones who are dressed like this. People with really interesting jobs / lifes - liking digging in the dirt at archeological sites, lab guys and professors have better things to do than shop in the mall and worry about perceived social pecking order.
The INTJs I know approach social gatherings in “power mode”. And power monger their way through it. People know exactly how smart / powerful they are at the end of it. People don’t open up to you when approached this way! I have had a life time of observing INTJs.
The key is the approach and how to draw out NTs in an social setting quickly and effectively.
It’s an interesting dilemma about how to act around people. The majority of people respond to appearances and make a big deal out of them, so dressing up a certain way can go quite far. On the other hand it’s stressing and time consuming. I find a little bit of effort can go a long way though, so it’s possible to look sharp without sacrificing or spending too much time.
I find myself split sometimes too, as I enjoy seeing a girl who puts her appearance together nicely, but at the same time, I’m less interested if I think they spend most of their time in that regard.
It seems we have somewhat different experiences with INTJs. Most that I know are actually fairly strategic and choose their conversations and acquaintances. Perhaps it’s an age or culture difference. I know at younger ages INTJs are all over the place. The INTJ forum is a perfect showcase of this.
I can definitely agree on INTs being eccentric though. I think INTPs have all the types beat hands down in that regard though. INTPs almost seem to be designed to be strange. For the same reason they can be some of the most interesting people around. A couple friends of mine INTJ and ?NTP are the only two friends that I have who I find to be stranger than myself. They can have the most unparalleled enthusiasm about very random things.
Yes. This is soo prevalent. Most people seem to be playing the “perception” game. You know perceived power and perceived social pecking order. My handbag is more expensive than yours means that I am perceived to be higher on the perceived wealth hierarchy. There is a big difference between apparent and absolute wealth / power / status.
Story of my life! Just because I can put myself together and I am not ugly, I am dumber and more incapable that the average female. I watch myself carefully that I don’t come across unprofessional or say anything like “I am a sagitarius, you are a leo, we are meant for each other”. “I have to call my psychic friend!”. Funny thing is mostly the fellas I meet regret that I do not spend most of my time in that regard!!!
INTP = weird
INTJ = weird and awkward socially!
ENTJ = arrogant (you know too self assured)
I bait the conversation in social situations with innocuous opinions on various books and topics that I like and know fellow NTs will like. And see if they bite. That’s how I find out quickly if they are NTs . Why waste time doing small chat right? I also love random facts and info.
Feelers don’t connect to other feelers, they sympathize with their situation, if they have a different view, they wont sympathize at all and be probably even more oblivious then any of you in reagrds to other’s feeling.
Some of you have a big-hole. The lack of Empathy, they are extremely predictable and you know you have the empathy feelers lack, a true mastermind.
I have a question now, do you have morals? Thinkers can justify their morals, if they have any. I have.
“Feelers don’t connect to other feelers” is just not a true statement. Number one, you lump introverted feelers and extroverted feelers into the same category, which invalidates your statement because the two functions work in very different ways. Additionally, SF and NF work in very different ways, so lumping them all together and making a blanket statement is just plain wrong.
Look, I’m as much for efficiency of communication as the next ENTJ, but the preservation of truth and accuracy should always remain central to any statement.
I knew the information I disclosed was an unreliable Judgement (sources lacking).
You ENTJs said you put a lot of time in your posts, do you mind others being less applied in general? We all know it depends. My guess: I don’t think you mind much as in no hate or contempt. Perhaps you like such posting variety within limits.
Please, explain rapidly or, if not, post a link.
I mean the other F’s.