How to keep an ENTJ male in your life? Asked by an ENFJ girl


Dear all,

I would really appreciate some insight on the situation I am in with an ENTJ (I am an ENFJ female, he is an ENTJ male). I apologize in advance for the long post…

I met my ENTJ guy accidentaly and instantly we had a in-depth conversation that lasted three hours straight. We exchanged numbers and went out on a date that was a straight 10 out of 10! Never any awkward silence. We continued to date (he would initiate it, and I would always happily accept, and now it just sort of goes without saying that we will spend our time together as soon as we leave the office), and eventually, after a couple of weeks of dating and great conversations/debates, we ended up in bed.

However, the problem is that we live very far away from each other and we just happened to meet in a city that we need to spend some time for work, and we’re both scheduled to leave. We talked about this when he first tried to kiss me and I told him that I am far more emotional than him and that would be difficult for me to dissociate. His view was that he would like to extract as much happines from the time we do have together as possible, and he suggested we should just have what he called a fling - a non-commited relationship. At first I said no, but I ended up to be very weak…

I thought that he would just want to have sex and that’s it, so I was very scared as I did not ever have a non-commited relationship (as I told him), but he turned out to be the sweetest man and does quite the opposite from what would “I just want sex” person do. He helps me, brings me gifts, he calls all the time, and for this short time we basically live together as he is either at my place or I am at his… We spend every free minute we have together. He even did my laundry!! And I must say, sex is amazing.
However, he never talks about what the future could bring and I don’t even know am I in a relationship with him? He did, however, when we debated about infidelity, mentioned that “infidelity would be sex with other person that is not you”, which came as the best surprise for me since we’re supposed not to commit - what do you think that means? :question:

I read a lot about the traits of an ENTJ and I know that they can dissociate easily (he also confirmed that when we talked about it), but honestly, I look at him and I know that this is the man I want to be with. We click perfectly. I also know that feelings are never considered when ENTJ makes a decision, so my fear is that he would just give up on us when we leave this city because it is not pragmatic/logical to commit to a person who lives miles and miles away. I would really like to at least try to make this beautiful relationship survive, but I don’t want to push him.

So, the questions are:

  • how to talk to him about it,
  • how to keep him in my life,
  • do all these things that he does for me (laundry, cook, gifts, calls, texts, all the time together, “infidelity would be sex with a person that is not you”, constantly touching me and kissing me) mean that he’s more into me/our relationship that he wants to admit? I am scared to ask him because I don’t want him to close up on me.

Thank you in advance! Any insight and help is much appreciated…


I must begin with saying this is VERY familiar to me. It’s so familiar I must ask,… What is this mans profession? I just want to be sure that fate has not conspired to put me in a position that I’m helping the man who broke my heart to be happy with someone else.


Be upfront with him. Tell him how you feel, NOW. I waited 2 years, He wouldn’t tell anyone we were in a relationship. Everytime I thought we were progressing we weren’t. You could waste years of your life being patient because you don’t want to ruin the moment or push him. The fact is, your guy probably has a mental checklist of what he wants in a long term relationship. If you don’t meet his requirements or are not within the time frame for his life plan, he won’t actually even consider you. It doesn’t matter how kind, pretty, or accomplished you are. There is NOTHING you can do to change his mind. Your only hope is to be up front, walk away with dignity if he rejects you, and hope that at some point he will realise what a fool he has been. I asked what he does for a job as, in my experience, doctors and the military participate in these sorts of interactions more frequently than other careers. Good luck to you.


This sounds a lot like the beginning of my relationship with my ENTJ boyfriend (I’m ENFP)!

We also decided to be casual in the beginning, but then we’d end up talking on the phone for hours, meeting his family and friends over a weekend etc etc… I was instantly very attracted to him, but it became clear to me after the weekend that I couldn’t keep the relationship casual anymore, and told him about my feelings. A week later we became a couple and our feeling for eachother has just been growing stronger ever since.

My advice is to talk to him about it. My experience with ENTJ’s is that they don’t really reflect over their feelings, they just do what makes them feel good. I’ve for example asked my boyfriend about the weekend when I visited his family, because that seems very intimate to me, but he just said that he liked me and wanted to spend time with me, so he thought it would be nice if I came and visited.

My experience also says that ENTJ are not easily scared off when they like you (which your ENTJ obviously does!!), so I wouldn’t hesitate to have an honest and adult conversation about your feelings and thoughts on your relationship. It really does seem like he’s very into you, so don’t be scared :slight_smile:.

Good luck!


this might be very late but here goes:

I fell in love with a ENFJ girl. she made me feel like no one ever did before. and it sounds like this dude wants to be with you. the only way you could truly verify is that when he goes away to another town. for how long he keeps in touch. if its more than, say 5 weeks.

he very well might thinking he wants to spend his life with you
ENTJs are not THAT bad in relationships as many people might think
once we know “shes the one”. we’d go to any lengths to “score” it

just in case, let us know how it went


You shouldn’t make such broad claims. Because it includes me too.

And to be perfectly honest, the other people around me perfectly understand what it means to be in a relationship with me. And yes…I am as bad as they think I probably am. Therefore, I am trying to come up with some moral justification to the question as to why someone would want to be in a relationship with me? And again, to be perfectly honest I fail to come up with an acceptable reason within our existence that we can call a life. Of course you can include some religious reason in the line of “help this poor sould…he shouldn’t go to hell” etc, but that line of thinking falls in the same category with Harry Potter novels or Star Wars drama which isn’t as impressive as it sounds. Make no mistake, I am good to be around for business or other things. In fact, any other thing is acceptable, as long as it does not include emotions or relationships.

Yes that’s about as fair as it comes.

I couldn’t help myself from keeping my sarcastic nature to kick in and comment on this quote from Original Poster.

Doesn’t that statement above from the OP sound poetic? She met him “accidentally”. As if there cannot be any other way other than a pathetic accident!! And its probably doomed to be ended up as a matter of accident. It was meant to be accident, therefore it should be ended as an accident. It not just an accident…its a disastrous accident. Some people just should be left outside of normal human relationships. It just too wrong. Accident exactly! Not even coincidence. But accident! Which entails within itself some mysterious means of upcoming disaster! How poetic…

Calling it accident also sounds like this: “I was walking down the stairs…then some stupid thing got under my feet…I lost my ballance…I tried to compensate…but my body failed to direct its ability against gravity in a graceful manner…and in a very short time after that failrue…my body found itself flying towards a brick of wall at which point my head met the concrete and I almost lost my eye…why the fuck I just didn’t die that day and met this guy? It was much more reasonable to die that day. I guess the powers that to be above us has had a change in their heart and decided to prolong my life in a pathetic attempt to give a chance to that stupid guy before he dies and goes straight to hell. It must be some kind of cosmic joke. God definitely has a bad sense of humor. I certainly didn’t like being made a joke at my expence. But oh well. Whatever happened already happened. I didn’t die back then. Now I will. And I must. Because the misery accociated with dealing with that guy is worse than death. Let’s do it. Hey God and all your pathetic attempts to amuse yourself. Here I come. Make a room for me. And room for him in hell (which is probably already prepared…and that is good.GOOD! I tell ya, hear me)”


Nice post