I think it’s sweet that you are trying to understand her. Is she into MBTI too? She might try to self regulate more if she understands herself in relation to others. I think one of the best things that MBTI provides is the ability to understand that not everyone operates the same, so it changes the way we see the world and expectations. ENTJs are full of expectations, because it’s in our nature to expect alot of ourselves and thus others. I would presume she loves your ability to detach easily, be more light hearted, while also being a source of intellectual stimulation. My husband and I are both ENTJs, so that offers it’s own set of challenges, because we can play off each other’s energy to the point where we are forgetting to relax, slow down, and really enjoy the small things. So as I’m sure it’s hard being the one that gets her out of head, I would bet money that she really appreciates and endears that side of you.
So I appreciate where you are coming from with the concerns of having a family, because it is hard and life changing. We have a 3 and 2 year old. I would talk with her about it, but when you ask questions don’t focus on specifics, focus on what her ideal relationship with her kids looks like. Ask her if she plans to do activities with them? Does she look forward to storytime, bath time, etc? I would gauge what she wants. If she doesn’t seem excited and vested, and instead sees it as a burden or foresees a daycare/nanny taking on the main role then that might foreshadow what is to come . If she instead wants to be really involved, I would bet that she will reinvent her career path when she has kids. ENTJs are always certain of our paths, but with that we can change paths quickly when we get new information. The trick with kids where I feel most people go wrong is in leaving financial room to change paths. A lot of families prepare for both parents to work and then when they don’t like the setup they can’t get out of it because of their expenses. I was the planner in our relationship in that sense. Our years before kids all my husband heard was about how things played into my plan to stay home. Encourage her now to start planning multiple options of where her career could go. There are so many different formulas for raising kids that work. I think the big thing is going into it as stress free as possible, because they are exhausting! My husband and I joke all the time that as rationals we aren’t natural caregivers, because we overthink everything to the point that it becomes far harder than it should be. My husband is an engineer as well.
As far as biting off more than she can chew, I’m afraid that will never completely go away. I have periods of obsessive projects often followed by a step back in the opposite direction. But I can’t turn off the feeling that so many things need to be complete. It is unrealistic, and I battle that nature. When I was younger I used to think “when this is done, my mind will calm down and I can relax.” Now I’m 36 and realize that my mind never calms down. Some things are worse triggers than others. Awareness is half the battle. Definitely don’t take her dismissive attitude personally. I know it doesn’t make sense, but when we are in the zone a distraction feels like sabotage to finishing the goal. So we can be cranky, but then later question why you are upset.
As far as sex, I only know a few female ENTJs. One is my age, and I think she has a strange, unfulfilling sex life with her husband. She is married to likely a INFP and she has complained to my husband about her sex life and her husband not liking lingerie. It made my husband uncomfortable. So I can speak for myself and say its definitely not a “task to be done.” I enjoy the deep connection and would not want to do it without a connection. I used to think my love language was ‘words of affirmation’, but since kids ‘acts of service’ gets me more ha ha. There is nothing sexier than when my husband works an 18 hour day, but then goes out of his way to do things to help me that I want done around the house. That and deep intellectual conversation always gets me. He is like an animal though. So as bad as it sounds, I often choose when we have sex because he alwaaayyys wants sex. That sounds worse than it is, but with kids I can’t just stop everything.