Last spot...


I have already tried nearly every forum on the internet, but I have determined that you “people” are the most similar to me. You people have been featured as the “still” boss in countless fiction. If I get rejected here, then I know it doesn’t matter where I post at all. The results will be the same. What I mean is that I am getting tired of this nonsense, my brain has been infected by a parasite. I want to end this nightmare. Its ridiculous, but individual selves, and collective selves are not the same. This “stillness” they speak of in art is me. I come from a different dimension from everyone else, and it seems that I am alone. Well this seems rediculous, but posting online allows me to end this nightmare ti seems. I wonder if I can hold a conversation on this site, it is rather boring being stuck in isolation.


What do you mean by “stillness”?


I am glad you are still here wasabi… I have been having some really big problems… Um stillness is a term I have borrowed from these “fakers”. It must be what they are referring to as life without meaning… I am unsure of the real defination, bit ot would appear that it is oftenly used in art. Crazy… I am unsure why I am having so much problems communicating online. I wish somebody could explain to me in english.


In any case I have been banned on several forums, and I am wondering if the “kind” people on this site could explain “why”!


I am changing my personality type… I think I am a sensor, and what I am doing right now is killing my emotions…


I don’t have any information, therefore I am unable to do what I like to do… I have been badly abused, and now I am just trying to rap things up… I have identified with things that I like, but I cannot do anything with them, as I have no information on what I can do… I have no information, and all I get is confusion from my area… I cannot make proper conclusion on what is viable, and am unable to determine outcomes. I am very confused, and have no idea who I am… I do not like most of the posts I read, and find most people to be rather dull… I hate everything around me, and wish that life was more interesting… I bore easily, and am prone to suffering my own misery… I cannot understand anything, and am very upset… I want to understand things, but I cannot reach the bottom… I am in pain, and feel that life only matters as long as one does not suffer… No pain=happiness… At least for me… I do not agree with anything else, all I know is that if I felt no pain, then nothing else would matter in life.


Come to think of it… There is only one thing that is relevent to my condition… I have this burning anxiety, and it produces the worst kind of emotions, and I have been attacked with such energy from others online… These emotions are of pure malice. The main cause of my insanity is this emotion… It produces the worst kind of flames, like something in a vehicle accident… Red smoke… Kinda like that, I tend to get this often when I open myself up to attacks… I wonder what it is… It must be causing all my pain. This is relevent to the energy my father produces… Interesting enough, that corpse has been the source of all my misery… I have no clue what he really is, and wish I did. He is like some kind of monster… The person I hate the most is him… Figures… I do not know what it means. I wish he would just disappear, then I wouldn’t have anymore anxiety.


Alright… So life is probability… There is no absolutes… Only random factors that determine random variables… Life doesn’t have any definite structure. 1-99 percent… Something like that… This means that nothing can be real. Everything is variable.


How old are you? Do you work? How many jobs you had in your life? What business sectors you have worked in?


I do not see how any of that is your business.


The only that is important, is that I do not suffer… I do not know anything else…


So people are trying to “unconsciously” purge my existence, and they cannot even explain why. Well it is like when you get viruses on your computer, and they start advertising anti virus software… I know this is rediculous, but I do not know what else to make of it. Disorders have no origin, they are automated reflexes. They are created out of adhesion. As a result you have a world ruled by physical reflexes. When you see a parasite growing on you, your first reaction is to cut it off. I mean it is a natural reflex. This is my problem. Everybody is treating me like a parasite, and trying to destroy my existence, mind you not consciously, but unconsciously, because of bodily functions. I mean that it is not rational, that people are ruled by their physical instincts. The body determines a person response to their circumstances, as a result, people are denigrating my existence. They cannot explain this, because it is an automatic response to adhesion. To me they are nothing but parasites. I do not like violence, but cannot seem to avoid conflict with them. This is inevitable, as they will not cooperate with me. They keep asking me to call them, but will not call me, and they can’t explain this. This is a parasite people. That’s it.


So I am a sensor… I deal with concrete information… I like art that is physically appealing… I do not like useless abstractions… I like information that is useful… I do not like useless suggestions. I like useful information that can help me. I like solutions to my problems. I like to know what is wrong with me. I do not like abstractions. I like it when people listen to me, and only provide input when it is useful. I do not like useless information. I do not like be told what I already know, and I do not like useless instructions. I create my own reality. I use my own senses to judge things, and dislike distractions.


There isn’t any constructive option to consider as my life has been a total disaster… It is amazing I can still live like this… My anger towards everything prompted it… I mean come on… Complete apathy. I grow up in a set of circumstances were I am literally ignored, and have no information. This is madness… How does one survive such hell? I hate people because they are useless… They do not make any sense, and say the dumbest things. I do not understand why I am here in the first place. Its like I am literally born to suffer… I do not understand what that means, and only hate everything for it. All I wanted was a normal family, but I get this hell… I mean come on… I cannot live like this, I am living in my room nearly 24/7 because these idiots cannot understand me. They do not realize that I am not interested in one-sided conversations. I want an even connection. I don’t want somebody to tell me what to do, thats dumb. I only want somebody to listen to me. Thats it. Just listen. I don’t care about anything else, I just like to vent my frustration. Instead I get contradicted all the time, while people ignore my suffering. It makes me wonder why I exist in the first place… They will not help me. They just ignore me, unless I am willing to destroy myself. I do not see why I should die for them… They are not that important to me, and I am stuck with the worst ones. I cannot even choose who to die for. Its incredible. Like I don’t even exist, and yet I do. I am amused at this. Like my existence is some kind of a joke. I have no choice… No freedom… Just a caged animal… Some lab rodent for somebodies amusement. That is all I am… A joke.


Living a life where everything is one-sided is pure hell… It means that I either sacrifice my unit unconditionally, or destroy everything around me… This is absurd! How can I be placed in such a hell? Well… It is true though… I don’t have a choice. I can either take the pain, attacking everything around me, deny my own existence completely… This anger, and knowing no body cares… Its a nightmare from hell… I am just garbage, and yet I know nobody will agree. This is not because they disagree, but because they cannot agree with me. Thats it. Thats all there is. They will not agree, and I am nothing to them. Just garbage… As a result I stay in isolation… Knowing that my existence is expendable, and thats it… I mean I like myself, I don’t why I shouldn’t… But they don’t care… They expect unconditional cooperation. They have walked all over me, and caused pain unknowingly. They don’t care. I cannot do anything… I can only attack… Or bait them… I don’t have a choice. Its kill, or be killed. I mean all I can do is fight, or I will be destroyed. This life is war. Thats all there is to it, and means making enemies with everybody… Not that I wanted to, but that doesn’t matter… Because I am expendable. My existence is flawed. I am cancer, and thats it. I do not have it. It was never my choice. I just live… All the pain is temporal… Thats it. I am ignored. I am nothing.


Well I still recount my older experiences… Not sure what really got me down this path, but I assume it was predetermined by events before I was aware. The older experiences were more interesting, at least it seemed like there was more variation. Some of the first anime I watched dealt with interesting phenomena. A variety of things I received online furthered this… Not to say that most games were that different, but of course the traits were there. I mean that some acted as such, but the genuine characteristics were more profound in some of the first anime I watched. I am able to identify these traits in more recent games I get online. All Japanese… I always figured this was the “real” Asia… It seems I was a bit off base, as this cannot be confirmed. Most recent anime do not deal with this phenomena. I played plenty of games, but was not conscious of myself… I ended up mistaking myself for the fakes. This lasted a long time… I suppose it served as a distraction, yet not a healthy one… Unfortunately I couldn’t avoid the triggers online, and caused myself the worst sort of pain.


You are not a cancer. You are a right person in the wrong place and wrong time. Normal people should be feeling like you. Not the other way around. When there is a sick societu you live among in, then it’s not a measure of being unhealthy if you do not follow it.

Well Zeldon. This is what real world is about. The question is what are you going to do about it?


Nothing much… Another stupid ugly social worker is coming to my house today… I mean why do I have to deal with these people all the time? Their existence… I never once had proximity to somebody worth a damn… And it is funny that I still have yet to have encountered one. Its funny… Its very funny…


The irony of getting the same results just because I exist… What if this social worker turned out to be a hot female? But I know that is never going to happen. My life will never change, and I think I am getting used to it. If things won’t change on their own, then I will rot for an eternity.


It is quite possible that you may still change everything around. It is quite possible that you will start focusing on things that actually work, instead of focusing on this misery. I understand that it is not your fault. But what good comes from focusing on this misery? You have been there and already know what it brings to you. Then perhaps doing something new will bring a potential of doing something better? Perhaps you could start focusing on your family relationship and try to bring the best out of it without focusing on all the negative sides? After all, who they have else to rely on other than you? And who do you else have chance to rely on other than they? You all as a family in the same shit. Perhaps you can figure a way out of it too?