Last spot...


Honestly wasabi… I do not have a real family. I am an orphan.


My parents aren’t real… They are just illusions constructed by my mind… I only thought they were my real parents, because I didn’t have anybody else to depend on. They played the role nicely, but they are not real. Just figments of my imagination. I never had a real family in the first place, I just created one out of a need to fill some kind of void. I am alone.


Once you exhaust all the possibilities out there (which you eventually will) and your so called “unreal” family will become the next target of experimentation, sooner or later they will become as “real” as they can get.

So stop whining like a bitch and start leaving this misery mentality. The sooner you start focusing on solutions, the faster you will get out of it.


If only I knew what the solution is.


As far as I know… I just don’t want to feel pain… Which is why I post on forums… In order to kill all the pain. Otherwise I spend most of my time distracting myself with visual novels… Sometimes I drink coffee, but thats so I have more energy to focus with, unfortunately it makes me somewhat nervous. We don’t seem to have enough money for alcohol, this used to be my main form of retreat. Now I suffer tremendously as I find that the budget gets worse every year, and I find myself distracted by endless problems, when all I want to do is just relax with a nice book or something… I recall one of my favorite games growing up… Alone In The Dark with Edward Carnby…


I already wrote the solution in my previous post. You are just not listening.


The biggest part of that pain is created by nobody else other than … YOU! How? You are focusing on it too much and your focus on it makes it 100 worse than it could be.

And more importantly than that, you are probably not focusing on the solutions at all.


Start thinking about where all your money goes?

Do you spend it on high rent prices? Get out of it. Live in caravans if you can. Don’t pay fat ass people the money that they didn’t earn honestly.

Not having a job? Get one. I’m not heavily stressing on this, because you may get discouraged by seeking a job when you have a hopeless mind about the future. If are well prepared (with the lowest expenditures) then you will be hopeful of your future. When you do all these things then you will create a land before expanding on it (in your terms).


Seems like too much work… Not enough sanity. All I want is a simple life. I don’t want to feel pressured to do anything, I just want to do what I like. I enjoy reading things. I do not like interruptions, I do not like being surrounded by crap. I just like a simple life, where I am not pressured to do anything at all. Where I can make my own decisions, without somebody screaming at me, or bullying me. I depend on my mom, and every now and then I get into arguments, but thats life. I can’t do anything about it. I had to go with her to the doctors, because she wouldn’t cooperate if I didn’t… This means that I would lose what I had to live with. If something were to happen to my mom, I would have to kill myself. People are not useful, and I cannot survive on my own. I have no abilities. I have no family, I have no friends. I have nothing. I only have myself, and that isn’t good enough. I cannot survive by myself, but I do not want to depend on others, because I hate them. I like myself, and do not want to live any other way… I do not wish to sacrifice my independence. I don’t want people telling me what to do. I want to make decisions for myself. That is it… I dislike individuals. Life is best alone.


It seems to me that all problems are internal. I mean that any pain I feel is generated from some corruption. If my mind was functioning correctly, then I wouldn’t have any problems. The conditions are not a concern. As only the mind determines the results. As long as pain doesn’t exist, I see no problems with my life.


People will not allow me to make individual choices, because they do not believe in individual freedom. As a result my individual likes and dislikes are completely ignored. I am expected to accept things equivalent to my circumstances unconditionally. This means I have no freedom. I am a slave. As a result all the things I like are an illusion.


Well it isn’t easy living like this, but I cannot make independent choices… People will not cooperate with me, and inflate themselves… All I want is a life I can provide for myself, and do not like the fact that people pretend to be better then I am. If people cannot accept me for who I am, then they are hardly worth the effort. There isn’t any reason to believe in anything better then myself. I am the god of my world, and I can do what I like as long as I do not feel pain. If I didn’t feel pain in the first place… It wouldn’t matter what would happen to me. If I was imprisoned, and got bored. I would just kill myself. If they restrained me… I would stop breathing… As long as I do not feel pain, I can do anything I want.


To put it mildly… I do not know a group. I only know individuals, and find that they do not cooperate with me. That would be a prognosis to “survival” of the fittess. I got banged around real good. As a result I couldn’t perform communication. I was disregarded like some kind of outcast. While idiots kept banging me with categories I did not understand. The problem is that I cannot figure out who I am, and people give me no feedback. I want to satisfy my urges, but nobody cares about them. I am not around healthy people. I grew up in unhealthy environments, and I knew that if I were to fight, I would lose, because they do not want me to win. As a result they were just trying to break me down into their process, and did not care about my individual desires. This caused great anguish… My very self was in jeopardy, and I could not protect myself out of weakness. I just crawled in a corner, and kept myself distracted… I already know what will happen, before I act. A good looking female would reject me, and insist that I settle for an uglier one… They will do this, and as a result I have no freedom.


As wasabi putted it… I am just a right person in the wrong place. That is it. That doesn’t tell me anything, and isn’t useful in the slightest. Yes… I know I am right, because if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here in the first place. Talking to people doesn’t generate any results. It is meaningless. They are just objects like the chair I sit on, only I do not own them. So I cannot control them. They do what they want, and disturb me frequently. Like the one time a kid took his group of friends, and disturbed me. I had to threaten to call the police… Yes… I know this is my reality, all the more reason why I do not like it. All I can do is just bear with it. Otherwise I will just go crazy.


It’s too much work because you yourself make it so. Just look at your own posts. Within minutes you write up tons of miserable thought. It shows that your mind is swimming in this misery. You don’t think about anything other than misery. And guess what, that misery you write yourself is draining you emotionally. Be it by reading it or writing it, it is emotionally draining. Then it is you who drain yourself. Make no mistake, I don’t mean that your problems are somehow not genuine. They are real. Or that I mean that you shouldn’t express your problems here. Of course you should. How else we can know whats going on. All I try to show you is to where your “sanity” or energy goes. I try to show you that it is you who waste your sanity most of the time. Yes people do drain you. I understand that. But you can always stop people in their draining process and ask them “hey I dont want to hear this, I want to hear how you gonna solve this” and they will stop draining you and actually start working toward solutions. And will help your mind focus on solutions too. Be in charge of what people should think. If they oblige and change the way they think then you should keep these people. If not, then you should keep your distance from them. Be it your dad or your mom, whenever they start wallowing towards emotionally draining you, just say “hey stop right there, what do you suggest I should do?” or “hey I do not want to hear that, it is irrelevant to my problem at hand, so I do not want to deal with it, deal with it yourself without involving me” or “I do not wish to deal with XX person because I do not believe he/she will ever get over with it, and I have more important things to deal with, and you better start talking about solutions, and stop whining about it I don’t want to hear it anymore”. Etc. Dont let people to move you away or drag you away from your own course. What is your course? Just about anything that has a potential of solving the problems at hand. Include anyone who helps on solution. Ignore everyone who does not. You may even include people who also part of the solution while ignoring their whinge. After all, they positively contribute to solution dont they? And you can happily ignore their whinge for the sake of solution. After all, isn’t that what life worth living for? Or has meaning to? To work on solutions of any problem you have and using any person who has addition even if they have negative sides?

Perhaps some day you may realize that the pain you experience today is not only a curse, but also a gift. How many people do you think really know what it means to hit the deep bottom rock? Not many. And moreover, how many people actually know how get out of it? Very very few. (assuming they survive it first)


I have already hit rock bottom… I am just grateful for every moment I can get by. What I mean is I just love it, when I can distract myself with something, and not even think about all the pain I have gone through. Every small pleasure I can get in life is like a blessing… If I could just keep myself from suffering, then I think I can be quite happy. As long as I don’t feel pain, then my life is perfect. I would just waste time reading my favorite visual novels, or posting things online to relieve anxiety. I just don’t want to suffer anymore… Otherwise, I would be just fine. I really enjoyed reading earlier… Now if only I could stay focused for longer, and I had some really good wine coolers that my mom randomly bought… That was a blessing, it relaxed my anxiety… Small pleasures are all I care about. If I could read with a good drink for an entire day without disruptions… I would be in paradise.


Perhaps it is not the solution that you are looking for? You just want the problems vanish away by themselves? Well, here’s the bummer. They don’t go away by themselves! I think the time and years you have spent in misery should prove that by now. What you want is not how this world works. You have to work towards the solutions if you want to create a change. Otherwise you will have sit tight and wait until some extra-dimensional membrane shows up and sucks you in into different reality where our wishes materialize out of nowhere, or wait for someone else to do things for you. I guess in the latter situation, you may just spend your whole life waiting for that person and basically waste your life away on something that may or may not happen. Moreover, you may just waste a lifetime that you may never get again. Just like a cassette player rewind your lifetime and say “Hey I want to live this life again”. You may not get that kind of chance. What if there are things you can change and you just never attempted to them because you were not strategic enough? What if you could have done things but never done because you haven’t acted enough? What if regrets about life are irreversible? Are you content with having such an outcome at the end of your lifetime? If you say yes, then I suggest you taking some drugs and killing your own mind by all means. Perhaps you don’t even need to live that long. Just take your life away and finish it. But, if you are not happy with such a result, then accept this world as it is and start adapting to it. You have no other choice. Whining about it will not accomplish anything. Every moment you waste on whining is the moment you didn’t spend on solutions. The choice is yours. Either solve it, or fuck off.


Nothing you post makes any sense… Its nonsense… I just enjoy everything I do on a daily bases. I find the pressure of living like this to be unbearable, because I am being invaded by so many problems… I externalize them, but all problems are internal… This is a obvious fact. If I didn’t feel pain in the first place, I wouldn’t have to even suffer. So I just want to kill the pain, and feel better. Thats all I care about. Nothing else… My life is useless, because its pain. If I didn’t feel suffering, I wouldn’t suffer. Simply put… I do not want to suffer. This is why I type.


I type on forums to in order to feel better. My dreams were not pleasant… Woke up with anxiety. I hate this feeling. It would be nice if it would go away. I enjoy reading my visual novels… I read lots of Japanese. I usually get them online. I prefer things in good taste. One recent game I have been playing… Shiny Days. Its pretty good. I enjoy the characters. Soft House is one of my favorite visual novel companies. The games are fun to play. I do not like to talk on telephones, and I prefer to keep to my self. I enjoy reading things. I like alcohol.


Dude, fuck off!

You are a fucking idiot. Stay away from me.