It’s not a matter of taking sides. I’m pointing out to you that you have the power to improve your life. Progress not perfection though, just take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself.
I don’t understand why… Look I am helping myself… I am trying to get better, but I don’t know. One day at a time… You know something… Your posts, are like my posts to myself. Like suppressed thoughts. I mean, don’t you think I don’t think this? But what of it? I think this stuff everyday, but I cannot provide myself with a solution. What you point out is obvious to me. Maybe I just don’t like the obvious, and want to invent some kind of lie in order to justify my existence.
I am curing my anxiety by posting on these sites, but of course I do not expect anybody to care, but that does not matter. The fact is that I care about myself, and will do what is necessary to end my own suffering. I do not like it when people give me empty advice, you should ask me if I want it first, and stop this “just” pointing out garbage.
Well typing on this forum has made me feel better. I am glad that I am finally recovering from my problems. I am just going to watch an anime, and drink a cup of coffee. Everything is fine…
Anime is good. I like games. I enjoy alcohol, and coffee. Of course good is always a plus. I enjoy attractive art. I don’t like ugliness. I like gameplay variety… I have enjoyed good rpgs. I like D&D. I have enjoyed a lot of role playing games. I like to design my own characters, and determine how they play. It is fun. I like doing things that make me feel better. I like to talk about myself. It makes me feel better. I have enjoyed a great variety of anime, I like good art. I have enjoyed a lot of television. I used to watch a lot of science fiction. Video games are fun, I enjoy playing them. TV used to fun to watch, I do not watch it much anymore. I spend most of my time reading visual novels on my computer. I have enjoyed learning to read Japanese. I used to listen to music, I do not do so as much anymore. I do not like the internet, there are too many ads. I do not like to pay for things when I do not know what I am getting. I do not like empty advice. I enjoy playing on my computer. I do not enjoy going outside. It is a rather dull town. I do not enjoy it. I do not like the people in this town. I like keeping to myself. I do not like intrusion on my privacy. I like it when people listen me, I do not like empty flattery. I like to be treated normally. I do not like exaggerations. I like it when people stick to the facts, I do not like fancies. I like it when things are normal, I do not like playing with imagines. I enjoy what I enjoy. I do not like possibilities. I like a life that is normal. I do not like change. I like simplicity. I am a very simple person, like a peasant. A very boring person, with a very boring existence.
Nervous tension is a problem… I have been struggling with it for a long time. It is very useful to contain myself, this means I can survive. I do not like suffering, but I do not see an alternative. I do not have any cognitive abilities that allow me to process information. My existence is an error, meaning I have no abilities. People to not use the correct terms to describe my internal abilities. I am unable to communicate this properly. I am distracted, and when I communicate… It creates some kind of barrier. I am reflected, and the person has no attention directed towards me, because they are blind to me. They do not like it when I infer to myself, and demand references for every remark. I do not understand this, and find it to be quite aggravating. What is a reference? I do not understand this. I am obviously alive, but of course this is not considered important to them. They neglect me out of concern for themselves. This is bizarre. As I do not have any idea how I am supposed to deal with this, it drives me insane, and I just suffer. I just suffer, and thats it. I do not understand this. They will not process my process, they will not communicate with me, and they will not help me. The pain keeps getting worse, and I am forced to expose myself in the open in order to deal with it. I cannot just wait, as the process is unbearable, and the pain only gets worse through time. The pain is my only teacher unfortunately… I cannot learn from others, because they do not speak to me. I am alone, not that it is a bad thing, but I cannot process my surroundings. I mean that loneliness isn’t a problem, it is my lack of ability that is a problem. I am having problems functioning, and this is due to my lack of ability. I am defficient.
I have always like darker fiction. I like fiction that focuses on peoples misery, or perhaps takes in the scenery. I have seen Asian films focusing on the mellowness of the surroundings. A lot of Asian films deal with this, I have never really liked films outside of Asia. This is mainly do to the fact that things tend to get too lively for my tastes. Even now I still prefer classical literal, anything that produces calmness. Introspective films are nice, but I usually only like the Asian ones, I can’t seem to like anything else. The problem with films outside of Asia, is that they are too wild. Of course that doesn’t mean I like all Asian films, only ones dealing with introspection. Thrillers mainly… Guts and glory are not as interesting in comparison. I generally like the deeper ones. Something thought provoking. The certain mellowness of literal dealing with mellow tones… Something of darker taste. Liar Soft is a good example, they make plenty of games dealing with this kind of trend. I enjoy it when novels put me in a trance so deep, I do not even have to think about them. Kinda like I am sleeping awake. Everything else seems to give me heart ache in comparison. Its nice to have something I can associate with.
It’s only the matter of time until you understand that your daily outcries fall on deaf ears. The thing about it is…what are going to do now?
How many years are you making these outcries? How many more you will do more?
You have to understand that there is no end to this. That there are no people out there in the world who will give you a helping hand. That there are no people who will tell you everything you need to know. This is what our world is all about. What are you going to do now?
I have decided that I have to make the best with what is available to me. As long as I live, there is a chance to turn this all around. To fix this thing. Because only dead people have no ability to cause changes. If you absolutely believe that you have no chance to fix this problem, perhaps you shouldn’t live. But sometimes solutions come from the places that you have never expected before. Such a thing this life is…
The reason why I post replies to you…is because I understand you. People have no vested interests in others. At least outside of what is useful for them. Not for me. I’m interested in understanding of human potential. Not just individually, but as a species too. That why I want individuals to prosper. Because only prospering people can show themselves in full colors. I have never met anyone who at least has similar views as I do. Same applies to you. You won’t find anyone. Just like I don’t. Good luck with that if you believe otherwise.
You somehow believe that other people do not share the same pain with you…I honestly believe they do. Perhaps more people do than even I do imagine. But people have good abilities at hiding them. What for? I don’t know. I don’t believe they should hide it. Just like you do. Open and honest. Concrete problems. Concrete demand for problems. That’s what I like.
The thing that I believe with this all…is that I don’t think anyone else has came up with any better idea than I do with how they should deal with it. Just like you said, you either has a life, or life has you. We certainly aren’t given options when we were born (being born in rich family for example). So we have to survive somehow. The struggle for survival is a hard thing to deal with. Some people don’t even survive the process. But I increasingly start to believe that this may not be such a bad thing after all. You do learn alot of things about life while struggling for survival. Alot of things that you learn in this process cannot be learned otherwise. I mean, if you are born in a rich family, there is no way you could learn this much. You won’t suffer. Therefore you won’t learn. And just to think about it; how many rich people will give up all what they have and start suffering? None perhaps. That means they have no way of understanding what you understanding. Perhaps it is their loss? After all, they have no closer connection to reality than you do? Their life is less meaningful than yours is. And when they are dead, it won’t be the measure of their riches that will make their life more worthwhile. They can’t take their riches into the grave. But the amount of understanding is what makes this life meaningful. And a person who lived and understood the most, that person lived it for more purpose than anyone else did.
People do not want to suffer. Well… I just don’t understand what meaning is. I only know that my life is meaningless, and I try to focus on things I have enjoyed instead of facing this reality. I do not understand it in the slightest, its like its not even true. I enjoy working out my anxiety on forums… It is complicated, as the fear of responses triggers anxiety, so I struggle, but after a while I start to feel less of it. I like that at least… I have enjoyed darker literature, and relaxing to something soothes me, gives me a feeling of enjoyment. I like to sustain this. I have enjoyed myself completely, but as time goes by, I find life to be more difficult, like I want to go back in the past and focus on my happier moments. I keep looking back on my happier times, and simply want to block of anything that conflicts with them. I like to focus on things that I like about life, and ignore things I dislike. I do not want a part of it. I think It would be just as easy if I do not even notice that bad things in life, and was much more aware of the good things. So I do not have to suffer anymore. If I was born rich… Well at least I wouldn’t feel pain, that is better then meaning, because people only question things when they suffer, otherwise they would just accept life for what it is.
I like art that produces tranquil effects… I liken this to darker conditions focusing on individual content. I have to admit that Liar Soft is undoubtedly one of my favorite visual novel makers. Dealing with what I call classical literature. Using art style signifying that of an anime, and of the course the voice acting is marvelous. The kind of art work that goes best with a drink in hand. I probably would smoke a cigar if it wasn’t for my mother… Our money problem never ends, and most of the food I eat is crap. I am hoping to get some alcohol tomorrow, it isn’t wise to go too long without some kind of drug. I am already used to alcohol, and do not like variety. I prefer sticking to things I like, as to cope with my own condition. I feel as though I am the only person that really suffers, like people do not share my pain. I think people are oblivious to my condition, and feel I am just faking it.
I don’t know what emotion is… I hate feelings. They make me nervous, I hate feeling nervous. I see life as some sort of chore. I do not like chores… I like independence. I like to do what I like. I do not like pain, and I dislike emotions. I like it when people reason things out before acting. I do not like to act without a logical equation. I just do not like to feel pain, and it doesn’t matter. I mean that life is nothing but a chore, like having to do the dishes. I only do it if I need to, but see no point otherwise. The only thing that matters in life is not feeling pain, that is it. Everything else sucks. There is not reason for anything at all. Life is a condition. I am nothing but some straggler that happened by chance. I mean that I am nothing, I just don’t like pain. That is it. I do not care about anything else. I enjoy what I enjoy because it relaxes me. It makes me feel good. That is all. I like to feel good, but I like what is most useful in not feeling bad, because I believe that as long as I do not feel bad, the degree of pleasure is not important.
As I suspected states deal with automatic reflexes… Grid lines you could say. What I mean is that states do not know what a self is. They are automatic. They do not process information. They make automatic judgements. They do not perceive informations, because they do not think in perspectives. They cannot think, because they do not have the ability to process. They impulse on full speed. They have no abilities. They are incapable of reason. They are mindless creatures determined by instincts. They have no self. They believe everything is the same. I cannot fathom how they comprehend anything.
I have been attacked several times by my mother already… The amount of humiliation is unbearable… She attacks my entire existence… I have no place to go, they do not let me do as I wish, because they continue to affirm their existence at my expense. I would have to end them, or I would only continue to suffer. I only want to be where I belong… I do not want them to be alive. I want them dead. I want them gone. I have had enough of them… They treat me like some kind of pet animal, and will not listen to reason. Everything I say is used against me, as I continue to struggle against their authority. Isolation was the only way, I never had an abilities in the start, and I needed a place to cope. I do not like depending on people, but I cannot change my routine. They will not let me go, and all I can do is wait until they eventually expire. This way I can have my own world, free of their influence. I do not wish to be a part of them, but they refuse to comply. My circumstances are not even manageable, but it sure would be nice if I only had something to drink… They are stupid, they will never understand the importance of my needs. They can’t even manage anything, they waste. That is all they do is waste. How much I have lost due to them, and unless I make indications they do nothing correct. I can only be happy on those random moments when they actually do something I like, but that is rare.
Well… Visual novels dealing with darker settings sure to appeal to me. Jazz music, and of course pollution. At least that calms me down a bit. Don’t know why I got into the other stuff. It seems to me that it doesn’t matter now that I have reached rock bottom. Once you experience enough hell you start to see things straight regardless… I will never gain the acceptance I desire… It not like there is anything worth accepting in the first place. I wonder why I crave it so much, when I do not even have it. Of course I am rejection, but that isn’t important. I cannot find acceptance in this world, because there is none. It is not important, but my emotions keep acting up. Group settings are funny. But I do not want to listen to other peoples problems. I prefer keeping to myself. Problems are more interesting in literature. I tend to keep it there. I am not interested in learning about people. In school that was it. Always talking about figures… I do not care where they quote their nonsense. I have nothing to do with it. Being forced to do things I did not like only teaches me how much I hate everything around me. My existence is some kind of error. Its like I forget which city I belonged in or something. It just happens. There isn’t anything else to it. I get kicked around, because it just happens. If it were personal… But I doubt there is a reason for anything in life. I get hurt just because its funny. People laugh at my misery. I am just some kind of sick joke. A straggler in some foreign dimension.
Still nervous… Geez… After all these posts you would think I would be cured already… I am just wasting time as usually while I figure out what to do. It is an endless struggle, and I am constantly threatened by everyone around me. I feel like I am being attacked by a mob of peasants. I can’t stand living like this. It would be so much easier if somebody would listen to me for a change, but everybody thinks they are god or something. They think that I ought to worship them, even the ugliest beggars on the streets demand my worship. I can’t believe any of this madness. I am the only one that is real, and they would demand such things from me. What kind of rubbish is this? I am the greatest, and they are just a bunch of piss ants in comparison. I ought to step on everyone of them. I am the greatest person on the planet. I do not understand why people do not understand my greatness. I am the holy number one. I have no use for beggars. If people cannot take care of themselves, then they can go to hell. What use do people have for me? They condemn me to this life of madness, while they poke holes at me. Do they think I enjoy this? I hope they all get whats coming to them, for all the crimes they have committed against me. I deserve so much better then them. I am the only one. I am the greatest person in the world. So there…
Working on my esteem I guess… I am not interesting in all this pressure, I only wanted a normal life, but I don’t understand anything. People speak gibberish… Its completely nonsense. Nothing in this world makes any sense. People will not pay attention to me, and that makes me upset, because I cannot relax. I am always taking this pressure. It hurts a lot, and it never seems to go away. It makes me wonder. All I want to do is relax. Why do I have to feel so much pressure. I just like to be by my self, there is nothing else to it. I do not like needless distractions. I like my privacy. I don’t like the fact that people will not pay attention to me. When they speak, their eyeballs always seem to roll upwards. I wonder what is with that. They are like puppets dangling on strings. I don’t even know why they exist in the first place. I never wanted any of this bs. They are just completely nuts. Don’t they know that needs come before wants. That is the truth.
I really hate my father. I wish he would send me some money so I can have a better life. He is so stupid. He has plenty of money, and yet he doesn’t send any to me. I hate his guts. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be suffering like this. I just wish I could have more money, then I could buy better things, and have more alcohol to drink. Consoles, games… If I had more money I could have everything I want. I wish my father would send me at least 200$ more a month. If he had that emount of intelligence I wouldn’t be suffering like this. He could then just leave me alone. Send me money, and leave me alone… Sounds nice. I could then just lounge in my room all day, only going out to eat, and drink. That is out to the kitchen… And of course the problem with my mom always having the living room for TV. I wish she would just stay out of it. If I had more money then I could just spend the rest of my life in my room enjoying things on my computer, and such… Sounds like a good life. As long as I do not suffer, it shouldn’t matter what I do.
My mom keeps saying embarrassing things to me… I wish she would mind her manners. I do not have any interest in her garbage… Its disgusting the kind of crap she watches on tv. It makes me want to vomit. Its crap. I do not like anything she says, and frankly I am a bit embarrassed over the past. I had a tough time, and things did not make sense in the slightest. Just a bunch of ugly freaks spouting disgusting things. I hate it. It feels like I am eating vomit. That has been my entire life… I am so sick, and I can’t stand how disgusting this world is. It would be so much easier if my mom would just disappear. I am tired of her crap… She will not show any sensitive over how I feel. She makes me feel sick… Like I am insignificant. The kind of crap that she spouts… I do not care about it. I wish they would just go away… Just heard her laugh out there… God I hate her laughter… It makes me sick… I HATE everything about her. She grosses me out.
My mother is oblivious to my condition… It makes me wonder why I have stayed with her for so long… I do not know. I just liked losing myself in games, and art. I do not like disturbances, and pretty prefer to keep to myself. I find people like my mother to be pests. I wish I could be rid of them, but until I am I have no choice but to deal with it. I do not like them in the slightest, I see them as mutants… Parasites. Something that shouldn’t exist in the first place. I keep thinking how easy it would be if they would all just go away, and spare me their sickness. I am pure, and they are dirty. They think they are me, like doppelgangers. I am not them. I do not have anything to do with them. I am not one of them. I do not like them, and I prefer my own people to them. I am not interested in their trash, and prefer it if I did not have to deal with them at all. I like myself, but I do not like them. That is all there is to it. I hate them, they disgust me. They are vile wretched creatures… And they do not even give me any money, so I cannot be happy with them at all.