So the only thing that remains is the destruction of this hellish process… You know I never felt like I was alive in the first place… I mean it doesn’t seem like I even exist, like my existence is some kind of mistake. I do not fathom anything, its just random. I do not understand anything, I am just a plant. Not even that it would seem. I always wonder why the hell I even bother, why must I exist at all, and why I have nothing. I have reasoned out everything, but I still do not understand it in the slightest. All I ever wanted was a normal life, and that is it. Instead I get covered in sewer trash… It grosses me out. I feel like I came from some kind of sewer. I do not like the stench… Yuck… These thoughts of disgust… I feel like I am grossing myself out. I am covered in garbage. Its sick… How can it be so sick… What invented all this waste? What makes it so disgusting. All I know is that its sick. The world is sick. Its completely vie. It like sewer trash… So is my family… Sewer trash… Sick monsters. I wish they would just go away… They gross me out.
Life is not special… I say this to myself all the time. It is just some random error. I do not understand why it would be anything else. I am just here, and that is all there is to it. I never asked to be born, and neither to I like it. I wish I never existed in the first place. At least I wouldn’t have suffered as much. This is just a torture vehicle. All I do is just cope every day, because I cannot find the will to do anything else… I enjoy art, and thats it. It is nice to read something decent, I hate the fact that things refuse to change on their own. At least if I had more money my life could be easier, I hate people for this. They do not care over the fact that one action could change everything, they think that I ought to care, but I don’t. I just wanted a little bit to tide me over, then do nothing. They do not help me, I hate them completely… Its as if they want me to suffer, because they are too apathetic to do anything about. They do not care about anything, and judging by their looks… It doesn’t seem they have much interest in their appearance either. Just a bunch of lifeless idiots. I do not like them, I did not ask for them, and I do not want them. They are very bad, and do not find any goodness in them. They do not have a soul, and possess nothing. They do not do anything beneficial, or constructive. They only cause me pain, and do not provide me with much… They are unwilling to do anything for me. What good are they. I do not understand them in the slightest. At least if they could raise my income, but they refuse to do anything for me, they refuse to just do something for me. I hate them.
Well my father does have hands… He could always slip a few hundred in a envelope… And then he could mail it to me. It wouldn’t be that difficult. He could just do it out of the goodness of his heart… He has lots of money, and lots of friends, and everybody loves him… Makes me wonder why he cannot do something so small for little old me. Its as if he gets pleasure out of my misery, like he thinks its funny. He laughs everyday thinking about how much pain I have to endure… He cannot even bring himself to helping me out a tad bit. What an idiot. Is it really that fun to watch me suffer? He is completely nuts. I wish he would suffer for a change, so I can get my revenge for all the pain he has caused me. He deserves it. Somebody ought to break his arms off. He deserves every bit of it for the hell he has put me through. He is the worst person ever. People shouldn’t even tolerate his existence… They should strap him to something, and through him in the ocean. Thats how you purge evil. I wish him the worst in hell.
Puppets dangling on a string is a common theme in my favorite novels. My father was like that… He sounds like some kind of puppet dangling on a string. Its as if he has no cognitive abilities at all. He is no different then some kind of recorder. It is so ridiculous. How the hell could this happen in the first place… All I wanted was a normal life, and then I get surrounded by these idiots. They all do the same things, and cannot distinguish amongst each other… I hate it when they pretend to be me, and cause problems for me all the time. They are like pests. If only they were not alive, I wouldn’t have any problems, but they make my life so unbearable. Makes me wonder what they exist for. It is funny. Just a joke. There is not enough humor for all the comedy in this world. Makes me wonder why they try so hard. They are not very funny, and they fail to amuse me in all comedy. I do not understand why they even bother. I have yet to understand the humor… I never have understood it. I wasted much time trying to figure them out, but failed every time. I must have been an idiot for trying, but you only live once. Its not very interesting. I do not want pet monsters for parents god… I would appreciate it if you did a better job next time.
I am still crazy… I can’t seem to shake of these ridiculous feelings… I cannot understand them… They are destroying me, and I am losing it… I hate this… I feel sick… I want them to go away. Why do they keep bothering me? I am nothing… I never had anything… I was never here… I am crazy… The fear… The suffering…
Yeah… I was born in the wrong place… I never existed here. It wasn’t real. I am just lying. I am not real. I do not exist. I never existed in the first place… This is all an illusion, and I am just kidding. I like to fool around, like a child… Because I am too stupid to do anything else. I am a mistake. An illusion… I do not deserve anything, I should be tortured to death. I do not deserve to live. I shouldn’t be alive. I hate myself. I am not real. I should go to hell. I do not belong anywhere. Because I deserve it. I do not want to be awarded for nothing. Because I never did anything to deserve a award. I do not deserve praise, and I never did anything to deserve praise. I am nothing special… I am a loser… I am a terrible person. I do not deserve to live. I should be burned on a cross, because I suck. I hate it that I exist, and hope that somebody punishes me for it, because I shouldn’t be alive in the first place… I want to be hated for myself. I do not want anything. I do not deserve anything. I should be condemned on a cross. I am nothing. I only hope I get whats coming to me, because I should be punished for my sins. Because I am condemnation.
I am still getting a sick feeling… It seems like I can’t stand this. I never understand anything. Its as if I do not even exist in the first place, I do not understand anything. Why must I live through so much filth, where did it come from. People scare me… They make me sick… I hate them… Like maggots… They are gross. They get familiar, but they gross me out… I hate them… Its like my father… I am disgusted by him, and yet this maggot insists on seeing me? Yeah right… It is a monster… He is gross. A very sick person… I do not want anything from him… He only sicks me. He only sicks me… A monster… I hate him… How can such monster be allowed to exist in the first place? It makes me sick. I cannot fight this nauseation. Its as if they are mutants from hell. Life is what you make of it? Yeah right… Just a bunch of monsters… They exist for only one reason… Existinction. They are obsolete. Just a bunch of mutants that should be killed off the planet. I say death to them all. They don’t deserve to live. They are ugly monsters. They do not deserve life. I say kill them all, because they are monsters. Just a bunch of rabble. They are sick, and maddening. And I can’t believe I am around them. They shouldn’t even exist. How does such sickness thrive in the first place. I will just be happy when it ends. Vermin… I live in a world of vermin… That do not deserve to live.
This world has no preformed structure… It is chaos… It does not deal with order… Because it is not order… It deals with probability… Probability does not have order to it. Chaotic structures are random… When conditions do not provide for themselves… They can only destroy. Because chaos does not have any valid structure… It is a mess… It only works, when conditions work for it. As a result it is destruction… Only because it doesn’t work. As a result it loses all significance, as it does not provide any real choices… It is false… Reality is not real, because it has no choice. It is fiction. Because chaos does not provide outcomes. It is fixed. There cannot be chaos in disorganized condition. Because order is chaos. Chaos is law. There is no real chaos. Only fake chaos… Because the only thing that is real is the destruction of chaos… Chaos does not exist. It is foolery, and folly. It is a fools errand, and thus far destroying, even when it is not aware of it. This is the true nature of chaos… It cannot build, only destroy… Because it is dead. And so am I… I can only last so much longer… Pain causes more pain, until feelings disappear, and only because I do not wish for anything to change, for I am change. I do not care… I am nothing, and do not deserve anything. I have ruined myself, and contributed to too much destruction… I do not unwillingly… I hate everything, because of its existence, and cannot accept… My hatred consumes me, and destroys everything, because I am destruction. I can destroy, and I cannot create… For I have nothing create, but my own destruction. For I am destruction…
By action I am a ISTJ, by thought I am an INTJ… There is no intuitive structure existing on this planet… So intuition is strictly abstract. It has no concrete indication, and only deals with absolutes from my assessment. As a result I am battling endless confusion, because the two go in opposite directions, and cannot fathom each others existence… This is the greatest puzzle a person can ever endure… How the hell do I exstinguish between to two? Of course that is impossible. I have no such ability… INTJs only destroy ISTJs, they do not implement them… That is impossible… I am living proof of that. I can only destroy one over the other… I have no other ability… Hence the magnitude of my suffering… Hence the difference between these two… Senses deal with what is called pain, but I only feel suffering… Suffering is not the same as pain, and I ignore all pain, and focus on suffering instead… Which to is painful, but not pain… This is the core of my confusion… Either way… I cannot avoid it. Physical pain, or psychological pain… I cannot avoid it… This process is a complete hell, and there is no definite way to avoid, only to experiment on treats… But thats it… There is no cure, outside of destructions… This the pain of it… I hate this existence, but there is no cure… Only destruction by voltage… I have seen this with parasites on films such as outer limits… This is the truth… Fiction is real, and I am living. That is all I am… Fiction… I have no real self… I do not exist. If only… But there nothing… I am destruction, and that is all there is… Destruction… Chaos… Misery… Pain… Only reality… And no truth… For I am truth… And that is not real. For truth is not real.
So suffering as a condition is the least understanded, and the most painful… It is unbearable, and yet no knowledge of it exists, as I do not even exist… All my problems are non essential, and completely overlooked, as I do not even know of them, I intuit them… I mean I process what I process… I am alone in everything, and I am to everything nonsense… Because I am not sense… I have no sense… I do not sense… I use my intuition… I go in reverse directions… I am nonsense… This world is nonsense… I am nonsense… I am not real… I do not exist… I am nothing, and so are you… So I do not exist… I am gibberish… And that is all… I have no importance, and I am not real… So I do not exist, and neither should you. It is all garbage… I am nothing to nothing… And so I pray… Unlimited Blade Works…
Intuition does not require variety… It deals with sameness… Meaning that doing the same thing will cause the same amount of pleasure… The senses on the other hand require activity… Intuition does not need to be active in order stimulate itself, therefore there is no restriction on what a person can do… I can stay immobile as a result, and am required to move in order to stimulate myself… This is how intuition functions… As a result I can do the same things, and get the same pleasure every time… This is my idealism, and I prefer it this way… The senses need to be worked like a propeller, but the intuition doesn’t need anything to function. It powers itself. This is the key… As intuition has no mandatory, and can be harnessed at will… This is what I call true freedom. And I prefer it this way. Intuition deals with absolutes… It has no variation, and is godly in that it determines everything… There is no reality… Nothing is real, and everything is obvious… Facts instead of opinion… Intuition has no opinion… It is only a fact. Intuition has nothing that is real… It is true in all aspects, and does not perform miracles… It only dictates absolutes… It is Fate. It does not error, it is determined in all aspects, and does not calculate… It does not reason things it, it is automatic… This is intuition… And this is what I am.
So everybody on this planet inquires to my psychological condition, but cannot read the words of my posts… Can anybody believe this madness?
In any case the fact is that I am not in this… I mean it. I have already explained to our deaf friends… But shucks… They do not like the fact that I sound so special.
I guess I will get a few games… I sure could use some alcohol. I have problems with everything… My life has been a bloody hell… I have always enjoyed D&D games… Chaotic neutral was my favorite alignment. I liked the sorcerers at higher levels… Warriors are always easy to play, but always weak in the end.
The world is full of “deaf friends”. Get over with it. And besides, what you gonna do about it?
It seems that everything produces unwanted energy… When I wake up I tend to suffer a bit as well… Mainly because of those damn idiots outside of my window… They sure do make a lot of noise, and I wonder why. I wish I did not have to deal with them.
The question is… What are you going to do about it?
Well I asked first. So I’m curious what will you produce at the end of this.
And besides, you already know what I do. No need to ask what am I going to do about it. You already know.
Yeah… You don’t do a damn thing, because you are an idiot. Also where the hell do you get this produce? I am not trying to make anything in case you are wondering…
I’m not doing a damn thing? What exactly do you think am I “not” doing?
And where the hell do I get this produce? Wtf this sentence means?
I do not try to say that what you experience is meaningless. Or that what you experience is somehow immature. Or that it is somehow below the standards of someone else. I do honestly believe that your experience is genuine and valid. But at the end of the day, what exactly changes? You just follow the whining routine every day and what changes? Are you going to spend your entire life on this. Do you think your life is that unimportant? If you say no, then perhaps it is time to make a decision. I do not say that you should somehow forget about all your experiences. Not at all. This is not what I mean. Perhaps what I mean is that maybe it is better to postpone all these questions that you have in some later time while you start dealing with more important things. And what are those more important things? The more important things are those that actually work. Focusing on what works. This is what I advocate. And this is what works for me. For now…