Hi! I’m an ENFP who is having problems with my ENTJ boyfriend, so I thought that I should turn to the experts on his personality type! Here goes:
I’ve been in a relationship with my ENTJ boyfriend for 4,5 years, and I’ve never loved anyone like I love him. He
challanges me emotionally and intellectually which I think is why we’ve come this far, because I feel like our relationship just keeps evolving. But at the same time it’s why it sometimes feels too difficult and painful to go on.
I think the bad sides of my boyfriend might be quite typical for an ENTJ:
He’s stubborn and thinks that his way is the only way in terms of solving problems or making plans (it’s very important to him that everything is efficient, time and money-wise), which makes me feel patrionized and pushed around.
Knowledge is important to him, especially about the things that he’s passionate and interested in, and to him it’s also important that I’m up to date and know my way around the same things (like computers and technical gadgets, which I’m totally uninterested in). If I refuse or can’t meet his standards he gets mean, patrionizing and generally unpleasant until I get angry, sad or upset. And when we talk about it he always apologizes and promises that he won’t behave like that again. But we always come back to the same situations and same arguments, and the same apology and promise in the end.
I feel like I need to prove myself to get accepted and loved by him, but he argues that he loves me so much, that he wants to be with me, enjoyes being with me, but yet behaves this way and hurts me by doing so.
Even though I’ve several times come to the point where I’ve told him that “I can’t do this anymore, it’s just too difficultl”, I’ve always felt that I can’t leave him, that there’s just too much good, and too much potential in our relationship. I feel free and independent with him, and I can study abroad without him getting jealous or smothering, and having his total support doing it.
I think that he’s a bit emotionally disconnected, and that he thinks that being emotional or even in touch with his emotions would be a sign of weakness (as it would stop him from being rational and efficient…), and I blame his parents for this. They have a VERY dysfunctional marriage and my boyfriend has told me that he, as a small boy, had to play the role as consultant and psychiatrist for his crying mother when his parents were fighting (they would throw stuff at each other, hit each other, and even leave the house for days at the time without telling their family were they were going or when they were coming back). So I think this has damaged him and made him shut off his emotions to cope. But it has also affected him in the way that he always want to solve our problems when we are fighting, which is one of his strengths.
My question is: How can I make this work? How can I make him understand that these are issues that he needs to work on, and more importantly HOW he’s needs to work on them. And why is it wo hard for him to show let go of the control and give me the respect that I deserve?
I feel like it’s important to mention that we love each other very much and are both dedicated to making our relationship work. It just feels like we need some advise on how to cope with our differences, problems and needs. Is there anyone out there with some advice or experiences to share?