The iceman and the child


#1

Do any of you guys feel like a half completed puzzle?

What I mean is, I have always felt a great tension between the two sides of myself, the hyper-competent ice man (dominant personality traits), and the confused, frightened and lonely child (inferior traits). I understand that, to a certain extent, this may be more reflective of my level of maturity than anything else (although I certainly hope not).

In a gross over generalization, I have divided the entirety of my personality into the two sides mentioned above. The iceman is my public persona. The character I don everyday prior to school, or when I go out with large groups of acquaintances. This character is basically my default setting and the one in which I spend the majority of my time. This is the DiscoBiscuit that the world sees. I am comfortable in this character and wear it well. I feel that the iceman is the real world expression of my dominant traits and that this side of myself is the reason I have been able to succeed continuously in my academic and business pursuits. The iceman however, has limited powers. Put him in a social situation, and his abilities to utilize logic, assess the strengths and weaknesses of others, and see the big picture do not offer the same benefits as they do in academic/business world. His quick thinking and ice cold logic fail him completely when he needs to fit in with feelers (or is interested in hitting on a girl and finding some common ground). So, alienated by his own inability to bridge the emotional gap between himself and many (but by no means all) others, he hides behind his intellect and humor so as to remain a functional part of the social interaction. The group picks up on the walls of intellect and humor that the iceman places between others and himself. Consequently, the iceman never really becomes part of the group because of it.

The other deeper side is the child inside. I call this side of myself the child because over the course of my life, I have protected this part of myself so steadfastly that I rarely let others see it. And when I do express this side, it is only to those very near and dear to me. This child is where many of my most closely held convictions come from. These include my ideas on what love should be, my religious beliefs, and my convictions on fairness and equality. Moreover, this side is also where the possibility of true happyness resides. This is the side that I would relish sharing with a SO and where the entirety of my innocence, altruism and humanity come from. Unfortunately, with the possibility of true happiness also comes the possibility of true loss. This side is the vulnerable, gullible, willing to assume the best of others, always gets hurt side of myself.

Basically the main bullet point of this thread is this. How have you ENTJ's been able to bypass the iceman (dominant Te) and allow your vulnerable, sympathetic side to show through?

I feel like I would be happier if I was able to more readily display this side of myself to others. Also, I feel as if girls, and others in social situations would be far more receptive to me if I was able to find a healthier balance between the expression of the iceman and the child.


#2

Just to state the obvious... not all women are Feelers.

That said, yeah - an inferior Fi function has gotta be a bitch to contend with. When Fi is properly developed it's a sage - the fountain of wisdom of what's going on inside of yourself and inside of others. With Te you're more than able to get inside someone's head, and with your Ni you get a gut feeling for where a person is at. In fact, you probably get inside other peoples' heads so well you believe you know what they're experiencing. But, of course, you do not. Not unless you can replicate how they feel, which Fi allows you to do. I'd wager that's why you half your dichotomy feels like a child. It takes time for children to develop a Theory of Mind, and to see that others are like themselves instead of fearing the harm they can do to their feelings.

I have a theory that mirroring functions cannot work at the same time. Si has to shut off before Ne can begin, Ti has to cease before Fe can flourish, Ni has to halt before really experiencing Se, etc... If that's the case, then in order to exercise your Fi you have to full on stop your Te. And that's friggin' hard to do when it's the primary way you interact with the world. I think it takes no small amount of courage.

Experiencing balanced, developed Fi can be a truly lovely experience. Obviously it's not always about loss, but when it's developed loss is so So SO much easier to contend with.

Anyway, I sympathize. Si kicks my ass all the time.


#3

I can totally understand where you're coming from.

I used to be the same way. 'Cept I just beat the child like a redheaded stepchild 'til he was in a coma for a few years. Finally went back to visit and saw he was still pretty broken and battered. Over the last few years, I've been nursing him back to health.

Now, my Fi is dominant, instead of my Ti. And I like it just like that. I don't have two personas. I've integrated them and don't give a good goddamn if someone thinks I'm unprofessional or don't belong in a workforce. I'd rather maintain a perpetual joy that my combination of emotion and logic bring me.

Learn to integrate the curious little fucker. All that's going to end up happening is you're going to wait a few years(And so is he). During that time, he'll be working out- specifically to kick your ass. And that... Well, that's what will happen. He doesn't fight clean either.


#4

I sure hope he doesn't because at this point, my Te is a fucking monster.

It just seems that after growing up pretty hard and having my child betrayed so many times, its pretty hard to trust myself (let alone others) to see and experience the child fully.


#5

Take some time to experience him.
Let him roam a bit and get more used to him. I mean, in any relationship, you're not just going to spend 24/7 with that person right of the bat. Don't let fear enter. Fear is where the monster lies. The monster, well, it doesn't really exist, in all rationality. Truly, what is there to be afraid of?

What I've found is that, rather than simply saying "Fear isn't there. I'm not afraid.", the best thing to do is replace the fear with love. Look at that perceived "Negative" thing from another perspective and learn to love it. Remember that there is no duality. It's all one, baby. Nothing is bad. Nothing is good. Everything just is.


#6

Word.


#7

Social interactions are all about psychology. Ever see, "The Pickup Artist" on VH1? It is just about learning what people respond to. You can still be yourself, but you have to find the best ways to say and do what you want to say and do. A good strategy for improving your social skills is to actively seek the company of social butterflies and learn how they interact with others. What they say, how they say it, their body language, and any type of strategy they use can be helpful. Another way to boost your social skills is taking trips with groups of friends and friendly acquaintances. Camping is especially good for bonding experiences that help people come out of their "shells." Also, community living is a good way to just be yourself and interact with others, because they are always around you learn quickly how to best interact with them. Dorm living, with a good roommate, can be a extremely helpful.

Some people have the gift of just naturally drawing people by being themselves, others don't. Some people have to work at it, and that's ok.

This whole letting your child out business is risky. If anything, let it out in small doses, APPROPRIATELY. Release any information tactfully, perhaps like a starting point for a conversation, "Do you guys ever feel like (blank)? Lately, I don't know what it is, but I've been feeling (blank). What do you guys think about that?" If you just release your inner feelings to your friends, you may put distance between you and them. Some people just won't relate and will think you are weird. The feelings are suppressed and building up everyday, be very careful when you let them out.

Stay away from "shrooms," as Psilocin can probably tell you, they will make you let your child out in one big dose. You will get everything off of your chest and you will feel like a new person, but it will be painful and the people around you will basically know everything about you. You will find out a lot about yourself and probably feel a lot better afterwords, but you will make a lot of people feel pretty awkward in the process. Most psychedelic drugs have the ability to help people understand themselves, so if this is something that you are considering make sure that you do them with an experienced person in safe conditions.

Find out what social interactions make you happy and try to do those more often. For me, I most enjoy interacting with intelligent I's. I can go out to the bar, fundraiser, work party, family function and fly smoothly, but that doesn't make me happy. Enjoy your life and make the most of it, it's the only one you get.


#8

I believe I have a similar situation. I have a definite ice-queen. She's cold, criticizing, and sometimes harsh (at least some feelers say she's harsh). She's the one in charge when I don't feel comfortable letting my child surface.
My child, however, is quite playful and innocent. She likes to come out whenever she can and she is not much afraid. Indeed, I sometimes regret letting her out, because when people get a glimpse of her, sometimes they become addicted. But my child cannot be forced! If I sense that someone is trying to lure my child out, the ice-queen rears her ugly head in its defense. It's an unfortunate process that has broken many hearts and has completely decimated two ISFP's.


#9

Hi there! I can definately relate to how you feel. I have just realized that I am a field marshal, and, while I have the dominant side to me, ( I am actually a Dominatrix), I have that inner child that needs released too. It is very difficult to do, because I too had a hard childhood, and I was basically grown at the age of 8 years old.
However, I do let my child out...I have to, in order to be a complete woman. It is risky, for sure, because then you can be hurt....but the benefits are so good, that you have to let that part out on occation. Someone else had said that finding a social butterfly, helps, and they are right...that is exactly what I did. I was invited to a party, that I had never met anyone at...internet thing....and I sat in the back of the room, afraid to interact with the people...and a woman came in, that stole the show. She was moving around the room, socializing with everyone, and keeping the attention that I craved. That night, I vowed to become friends with her, and ask her to teach me her social habits. Now, I am a SMART social butterfily, that has a wicked toungue, and is not afraid to use it! lol
So, while you are afraid to let it out, it is so worth it...to find someone that you can be compatable with!


#10

Dear ENTJ,
Your question has I'm sure gone through all of our minds, but i think maybe its alright to reserve that side of you until someones earnes that right to all of you. Of all the personality types I would rather be an ENTJ any day! We are complicated, but we are worth it. Nothing good comes easy, and ENTJ'S are good!


#11

x


#12

its perfectly normal for an entj to have a side that is vunerable, this is just the shadow to our dominate side. we cannot be a rock and tower of strength and ambitious all the time. there is a time to inhale and exhale. what is difficult is when everyone see's us as superman that can accomplish's anything, and if we show this vunerability they dont know what to do. they are confused by this, so we end up not showing it to anyone. this is a true parodox.


#13

I agree completely. I had brain surgery in October and have been on disability for the past two and a half months. The combination of my head being fucked up and having nothing to do for days on end has really brought out this "girly" side of me (I hate it, by the way), but what I've really noticed is that the people around me aren't quite sure how to deal with me. They're not used to seeing me in a vulnerable place, and I think they're freaked out by it. Thank god I start back to work on Monday... hopefully I'll regain some semblance of normalcy. :unamused:


#14

I hope your doing well, im assuming the big thing about surgery also besides the physical recoup for an ENTJ is the drive to accomplish and achieve. When im stalled for what ever reason, it drives me crazy. I need forward momentum to be truly happy. Im glad your going back to work, I hope its something you really enjoy doing. ENTJ feeling your pain, Melody


#15

Steph - thats a significant challenge, hope you're doing well. I can imagine what it must be like to feel unproductive - I was miserable when I got (mild) pneumonia for a couple weeks last year, and brain surgery is obviously a far bigger deal. If its any consolation, losing my voice and being immobile is what got me to get this site up and running, so you never know what silver linings of opportunity may be hidden in any situation. Hope getting back to work felt good and you're having a brisk recovery.

PS A 'girly' side for a girl is not necessarily a bad thing!