The Story Of A Failure- How I failed to achieve my big dream


#1

Hello My fellow ENTJ mates, and the rest of you readers. I am new in this forum and this is my first post. I didn’t know in which forum I had to post this but I think it belongs here. I have a sort of a long question. In short, I’m trying to find the easiest, fastest way to success for myself.

[First let me say that I took MBTI test first time around 3 years ago with the aid of a professional career consultant at my university. I scored as an ENTJ. I recently took the test twice again on two independent websites and scored as an ENTJ as well. So I’m pretty sure I’m an ENTJ. (I do not know anything about the subcategories, the temperaments, other classifications, or other personality tests other than the MBTI. If you have further useful assessment tools please share it and let me know about them so that I may understand myself better within the frame of an ENTJ.)]
The reason I mentioned that first is that I cannot comprehend how is it that I am an ENTJ and a failure at the same time. Yes I said failure! The story of my life is not the story of a successful man, unfortunately. I’ll try to sum it up to you as follows.

I have always been a very ambitious man. My very first dreams were to become a social leader. I wanted to be a religious figure in my community and bring about change with great leadership. But that dream was soon replaced by a deep interest in theoretical and philosophical pursuits. (I am not sure why I changed plans. It could be because I didn’t find my old dream practical. i.e. I didn’t see that positive change comes through religion. So I started looking forward to find what brings about positive change to human societies. That included searching through areas of knowledge ranging from philosophy to science.) In short, I didn’t have a clear plan for what I wanted to do. I was just searching for an arena in life in which I could implement my leadership abilities and use them for the good of people by changing the status queue. (I was always fascinated by “change” and moving things in a new direction.)
To make the story short, I started my journey by venturing through religion, then changed my plans to pursue philosophy, and then ultimately went to study science as I thought Science is ultimately what changes human societies to the better. I particularly studied Physics having thought it was the prime of the natural sciences. Becoming a successful physicist, however, was the last dream I could pursue before I collapsed!!
I didn’t collapse out of pure fatigue; yes it is true that my academic endeavors were exhausting but that was not the main reason. Deep inside of me a darker side of me was blooming. While I was roaming the Earth in search for new knowledges (I traveled through 3 different countries during this whole journey btw), I was ignoring a deep side of me that was crying for attention. I was ignoring my inner personal issues. I was denying my personal need for love (I guess!) as I was consuming myself in the pursuit of seeking knowledge and greatness. This ended up getting the best of me and beating me in the end. I ended up losing my ability to study effectively and had to stop studying altogether. (For the first time in my life, I was getting bad grades and couldn’t study anymore. I simply failed to continue doing what I was used to doing for years.) That was a harsh outcome! I was devastated when I had to give up my dream of becoming a pioneer physicist (and btw, I dreamed big. I wanted to become the next Albert Einstein!)
At first I couldn’t understand why this happened. But soon I realized it was because I ignored my personal needs for love and affection (and so do I think to this day). But perhaps it was because of something else. maybe it was because I didn’t get back anything from the system I worked for so hardly. I mean I put in a lot of effort to become “somebody”, but that somebody needed years of hard work to become reality. And I didn’t have the sufficient patience to wait all those years to harvest the goods of my hard labor. I needed some payback right then and there while I was working towards the big goal.
So I was burned out. Nothing gave me a sense of power and control anymore. Nothing made me feel that I did anything useful for humanity or that I helped anyone with anything. I felt worthless and useless to humanity and I fell out of hope. Becoming a physicist was my last attempt to become someone. I thought if I could maybe help human beings by discovering some new grand theory that could further expand our understanding of the universe and/or make life easier for humans I would feel great. But I failed at doing that too.
I also failed on the personal level (throughout these years) from being able to provide a single human being with the love and care she deserves as I could not date a single person.
So I crashed!! I became extremely depressed, and I was about to commit suicide four times. It was terrible!!!

It has been three years now. (I’m now 28.) I have somewhat recovered, I’m still alive! But I’m still somewhat depressed, I even get medicated for that. I’m still affected by my loss… by my loss of a purpose. I do not know what I want to do, what I want to become.
During these three years I managed to continue my college career but in a different major, mathematics. I did not particularly like maths but I found it easier than Physics. So I switched to maths in order to be able to graduate. And I did manage to graduate with a BS degree in mathematics in May 2011.
Since then, I have been aimlessly changing jobs as I don’t particularly like anything I do. And I still haven’t been able to date anyone to this day. I also had a loooong struggle throughout the process with dealing with people. (In fact one of the reasons I quit many jobs is my social anxiety, as I have a hard time dealing with people. I’m a little better now, but I still have a little of social anxiety left in me. I don’t know what I should be talking to you about here, my lack of purpose in life or my social anxiety. But I think for an ENTJ like me they are linked, as we ENTJ’s clearly relate our social life with our work.

Anyways, that is my story. I am eager to hear your responses. Please share your thoughts and ideas with me about what part of my goal setting was probably wrong (how I mismanaged my dreams) and how my social inhibitions may have affected my goal setting, if they did at all. Thank you!

p.s. Some extra information about my social inhibitions: I have a really hard time accepting my sexual desires and intentions. For the longest time ever in my life I fought against me being sexual or having any sexual thoughts or feelings. That is probably partly due to the fact that I grew up in a very “asexual” and “non-affectionate” family environment. To this day I have a hard time accepting my sexual desires. I’ll give you an example. When I’m talking to a girl for instance (no matter how attractive or unattractive she may be) I have a very hard time allowing myself to lower my gaze from her eyes and look at her breasts for instance. Normal guys do that all the time (I think). i.e. they regularly alternate their gazes from looking into a girl’s eyes, to her lips, to her breasts, to other parts, etc… and back to her eyes again. It happens fast, and it happens spontaneously. But with me, I cant allow myself to do that. Why? (You ask) Well, I don’t know. Maybe because I’m insecure. I am afraid of letting the girl know that I like it that she has large breasts. I keep my guard up all the time as I don’t want to show any weakness to any girl. I do not know how to get over this excessive insecurity and become normal with girls.

p.p.s. Some extra info about my current ambitions and hobbies: I’m still looking forward to discover some grand theory in Physics or Philosophy that will get me the international recognition that I deserve and get me out of this hell I live in. So I still do some research sometimes in my free time.
An other one of my ambitions is becoming a writer (a novelist) as I like fiction, and feel that I have a creative mind for it. I haven’t been able to produce any tangible results however as I lack the patience to finish any work on my own. (As an ENTJ, I am not patient enough to finish all the details that come in a novel. I may be full of creative ideas and thoughts for writing a novel but I am never patient when it comes to filling in the details. Cliche of an ENTJ). Wanting to be a novelist is also a desperate pursuit to gain attention and become influential with people- something I feel I need as an ENTJ.
Lastly, I wish I could get a job where I could be a leader, such as a CEO. I feel I could be excellent at that. And I feel that that would be extremely rewarding for me. But I don’t know how to get such a job with a math degree?. How can I get into the business world and become a leader or a CEO?? Any thoughts?

Thanks for reading and please comment!! :smiley:


#2

Lots of thoughts for you. But I think it would be premature to lay it out for you in one post.

I have one and only solution for you:

Lower your standards.

Then you will be extremely fine.

I realize that this may be too superficial, but I think it would be impossible to know what to say next without measuring your response to this first.


#3

All I have to say is this - if the reason behind your actions is to gain validation from the world, you have given the world power and control over you. This means your thoughts, words, actions are no longer your own - they are a reaction to the people and institutions around you. Hence, it is not a surprise that you were so debilitated and ultimately felt powerlessness and failure. It was inevitable, because you gave yourself up completely, and felt helpless about your ability to find happiness. Luckily, that is just an illusion, albeit a stubborn one.

You wanted to be the next Einstein. But Einstein did not want to be ‘the next Newton’. Newton did not want to be ‘the next Copernicus’. Copernicus did not want to be ‘the next Aristotle’. They were just intelligent men with a genuine curiosity about the world, who pursued their interests for their own sakes, not for the sake of how the world would react. Happiness does not lie in being the ‘best fascimilie of someone else’ - it lies in being the most authentic version of yourself. Which is hard, because it means being honest, but ultimately it is easier too.

As for failure - failure is inevitable in any great endeavor, and most not-so-great endeavors too. Failures also don’t matter, what matters is how we learn from them. Accepting up front that there will be bumps in the road, makes it easier to get to your destination, and easier to enjoy the journey. Expecting freedom from failure is a denial of reality. And a denial of reality inevitably leads to unhappiness.

Where does one go from here? Maybe by acknowledging that years were spent seeking validation from the world, and giving the world power over you… without needing to. If you were more invested in the person across from you than you are in yourself, you have lost yourself.

The first step is to ask what you think of the world, rather than what the world thinks of you. How you feel about a person, rather than how they feel about you. What you desire from your life and reality, rather than what you think will be accepted/validated/admired about it by everyone else.

And everything proceeds from there.


#4

Thanks “Wasabi Ver 2” for your interest in helping me. Yeah I think you are right. I sometimes think the same thing too. I should probably lower my standards. But there are a few problems here:
1- Personal satisfaction. I dont know if I’m going to be personally satisfied with a half assed job like a math teacher. Cause I dont know if I’m gonna like teaching as a job- although being an teacher was listed I think under the professions suitable for an ENTJ.
But that is not the main problem. Cause you’re right, you never know what the future holds and so it is a good idea to start small and keep your options open.

2- But the main problem I’m having now is that I don’t feel safe having such low income and low power. I feel the world we live in is becoming increasingly a dangerous place and I worry I wont survive if I don’t have enough money and power to protect myself. Why is it that I think that? Well, watch this video for instance: youtube.com/watch?v=scoPP0sy0O0
So when I watch videos like that I feel I’m so behind. (btw, I am illiterate when it comes to real state and those interesting ways of making money mentioned in the video. Perhaps that is what I should aspire to do?)
So as you see I’m lost. My interests are in one place, my personality is in another, and my degree is in a third. I don’t know what is it that I should be doing. And I don’t know if I have the time to do anything before the end comes and a world war III erupts and sweeps everything (me included) in its way.

What should I do???


#5

Not like that. I mean lower your standards with people. Not your goals.

Do you live in a large city? Do you have family members? (dad or mom). You said you are 28, so I guess you do have parents. And remember, their ass is probably on the line too.

I had the same problem with people too. I never understood them. But nowadays, I dont even need to understand them. I learned my place. And my place is just that…a place. It’s kind of difficult to explain…but here how it looks like. I take alot of shit from people. Some other people will never face with or deal with that. But one thing about me never changes. I always know my goal. And I always focus on my goal. There might be frustrations, there might be anger, there might be many many things…but I always remember my goal, my position and my place. I never leave a room for emotional reactions to rule over me. That is how it works. That is how you get out of your mentality. People relationships are just that…relationships. Just remember that their asses on the line too. If they want to get out of that…they have to tolerate others just like you tolerate them. At least there is a chance of turning all that clusterfuck into something usable to everyone involved. And it works.

I realize that I posted too superficial things. But this is how it looks in nutshell. I take it you probably will understand it. If not, I am here to answer whenever I can.

To tell me a little about myself. I’m 31 years old. I used to be exactly like you. And yes I watched your video so I know exactly what you mean. I currently live in my own property, own my own car, burning wood as a heating source, sometimes wake up at the middle of night to cut some lumber and put into oven. I don’t buy any water, I use well water. The only thing that I’m dependent on the government are two things. Property tax and electricity. The second one is a little hard to deal with, but I think I might fix it too. I left the place that I spent most of my life. It was a very big city. I hate that place and will probably never return to it too. It’s a trap place. Just like you are trapped now. Get out of that place if you live in big city. It wont give you what you want. Start with your own place. And go up from there. I soon will buy another piece of property to grow my own food. So I can become completely independent. I don’t care what happens in the world. The entire world may die off, but I will survive and people around my will survive with myself. They are as dependent on me as I am dependent on them. And none of us depends on government for almost anything. People here are much nicer too. And smarter too. I can do with them any project that I want. You can’t have that in a large city. People in large cities are dumb people. And many people from this current place leave and move to large cities. Do you know how do I look at their face when they speak about how shitty this place is and how nice large city is? I look at them as if I saw a complete idiot who walks in a gas burner and doesn’t know what happens next.


#6

Thanks for the advice ComplexMango. I’ll consider it. :slight_smile:


#7

Thanks for your sympathy with me, “Wasabi Ver 2”. It seems u’ve been having a tough time too just like me. Ur right I need to lower my standards with people. In fact, I just read an article about ENTJ personality: personalityjunkie.com/entj-profile/ and it kinda implies that ENTJ’s commonly face difficulty dealing with people. However, the article hints that something that we are also bad at is dealing with our inner emotions, stemming from our inferior function Fi. Basically what I learned is that I shouldn’t avoid solving internal conflicts and dilemmas. Coz the article suggests that when we have problems rooted in our internal emotional needs and demands we tend to neglect them and instead try to control our outer world and circumstances, thinking that that will make us whole. So I think we should counter that. What do u think?


#8

Not exactly.

I let people trample me sometimes…emotionally that is. They think they are on a winning side because they think they have some upper hand in it. But my action is very much a calculated one. For example, if a person annoying, I try to block his annoyance over me while I get what I want from that person. The person thinks that everything is okay and this is how it should be. They do not suspect anything. Whereas inside of me, there are volcanoes exploding. Thermonuclear bombs are exploding. I just want to strangle that person with my bare hands in my next meeting with them. Does that mean that I try to solve my internal emotions? Absolutely no. I just tolerate it for the sake of the outcome. When I get that outcome, I just dump that person (assuming that there is no further need for their presence). They never even understand whats going on. As a result, I get what I want. And they dont get what they think they were getting. It’s the only weapon that I have against emotional people. And that is most people in general. I do not try to solve problems on emotional side. It’s futile. I just practice tolerance and patience for the sake of the outcome.

The more I move forward, I think I see more merit in tolerance rather than outright confrontation. It’s actually interesting. It’s a screening method. It shows what a person made of from. And I realize how inferior they are to me. Of course, they never know what I think.