Hello My fellow ENTJ mates, and the rest of you readers. I am new in this forum and this is my first post. I didn’t know in which forum I had to post this but I think it belongs here. I have a sort of a long question. In short, I’m trying to find the easiest, fastest way to success for myself.
[First let me say that I took MBTI test first time around 3 years ago with the aid of a professional career consultant at my university. I scored as an ENTJ. I recently took the test twice again on two independent websites and scored as an ENTJ as well. So I’m pretty sure I’m an ENTJ. (I do not know anything about the subcategories, the temperaments, other classifications, or other personality tests other than the MBTI. If you have further useful assessment tools please share it and let me know about them so that I may understand myself better within the frame of an ENTJ.)]
The reason I mentioned that first is that I cannot comprehend how is it that I am an ENTJ and a failure at the same time. Yes I said failure! The story of my life is not the story of a successful man, unfortunately. I’ll try to sum it up to you as follows.
I have always been a very ambitious man. My very first dreams were to become a social leader. I wanted to be a religious figure in my community and bring about change with great leadership. But that dream was soon replaced by a deep interest in theoretical and philosophical pursuits. (I am not sure why I changed plans. It could be because I didn’t find my old dream practical. i.e. I didn’t see that positive change comes through religion. So I started looking forward to find what brings about positive change to human societies. That included searching through areas of knowledge ranging from philosophy to science.) In short, I didn’t have a clear plan for what I wanted to do. I was just searching for an arena in life in which I could implement my leadership abilities and use them for the good of people by changing the status queue. (I was always fascinated by “change” and moving things in a new direction.)
To make the story short, I started my journey by venturing through religion, then changed my plans to pursue philosophy, and then ultimately went to study science as I thought Science is ultimately what changes human societies to the better. I particularly studied Physics having thought it was the prime of the natural sciences. Becoming a successful physicist, however, was the last dream I could pursue before I collapsed!!
I didn’t collapse out of pure fatigue; yes it is true that my academic endeavors were exhausting but that was not the main reason. Deep inside of me a darker side of me was blooming. While I was roaming the Earth in search for new knowledges (I traveled through 3 different countries during this whole journey btw), I was ignoring a deep side of me that was crying for attention. I was ignoring my inner personal issues. I was denying my personal need for love (I guess!) as I was consuming myself in the pursuit of seeking knowledge and greatness. This ended up getting the best of me and beating me in the end. I ended up losing my ability to study effectively and had to stop studying altogether. (For the first time in my life, I was getting bad grades and couldn’t study anymore. I simply failed to continue doing what I was used to doing for years.) That was a harsh outcome! I was devastated when I had to give up my dream of becoming a pioneer physicist (and btw, I dreamed big. I wanted to become the next Albert Einstein!)
At first I couldn’t understand why this happened. But soon I realized it was because I ignored my personal needs for love and affection (and so do I think to this day). But perhaps it was because of something else. maybe it was because I didn’t get back anything from the system I worked for so hardly. I mean I put in a lot of effort to become “somebody”, but that somebody needed years of hard work to become reality. And I didn’t have the sufficient patience to wait all those years to harvest the goods of my hard labor. I needed some payback right then and there while I was working towards the big goal.
So I was burned out. Nothing gave me a sense of power and control anymore. Nothing made me feel that I did anything useful for humanity or that I helped anyone with anything. I felt worthless and useless to humanity and I fell out of hope. Becoming a physicist was my last attempt to become someone. I thought if I could maybe help human beings by discovering some new grand theory that could further expand our understanding of the universe and/or make life easier for humans I would feel great. But I failed at doing that too.
I also failed on the personal level (throughout these years) from being able to provide a single human being with the love and care she deserves as I could not date a single person.
So I crashed!! I became extremely depressed, and I was about to commit suicide four times. It was terrible!!!
It has been three years now. (I’m now 28.) I have somewhat recovered, I’m still alive! But I’m still somewhat depressed, I even get medicated for that. I’m still affected by my loss… by my loss of a purpose. I do not know what I want to do, what I want to become.
During these three years I managed to continue my college career but in a different major, mathematics. I did not particularly like maths but I found it easier than Physics. So I switched to maths in order to be able to graduate. And I did manage to graduate with a BS degree in mathematics in May 2011.
Since then, I have been aimlessly changing jobs as I don’t particularly like anything I do. And I still haven’t been able to date anyone to this day. I also had a loooong struggle throughout the process with dealing with people. (In fact one of the reasons I quit many jobs is my social anxiety, as I have a hard time dealing with people. I’m a little better now, but I still have a little of social anxiety left in me. I don’t know what I should be talking to you about here, my lack of purpose in life or my social anxiety. But I think for an ENTJ like me they are linked, as we ENTJ’s clearly relate our social life with our work.
Anyways, that is my story. I am eager to hear your responses. Please share your thoughts and ideas with me about what part of my goal setting was probably wrong (how I mismanaged my dreams) and how my social inhibitions may have affected my goal setting, if they did at all. Thank you!
p.s. Some extra information about my social inhibitions: I have a really hard time accepting my sexual desires and intentions. For the longest time ever in my life I fought against me being sexual or having any sexual thoughts or feelings. That is probably partly due to the fact that I grew up in a very “asexual” and “non-affectionate” family environment. To this day I have a hard time accepting my sexual desires. I’ll give you an example. When I’m talking to a girl for instance (no matter how attractive or unattractive she may be) I have a very hard time allowing myself to lower my gaze from her eyes and look at her breasts for instance. Normal guys do that all the time (I think). i.e. they regularly alternate their gazes from looking into a girl’s eyes, to her lips, to her breasts, to other parts, etc… and back to her eyes again. It happens fast, and it happens spontaneously. But with me, I cant allow myself to do that. Why? (You ask) Well, I don’t know. Maybe because I’m insecure. I am afraid of letting the girl know that I like it that she has large breasts. I keep my guard up all the time as I don’t want to show any weakness to any girl. I do not know how to get over this excessive insecurity and become normal with girls.
p.p.s. Some extra info about my current ambitions and hobbies: I’m still looking forward to discover some grand theory in Physics or Philosophy that will get me the international recognition that I deserve and get me out of this hell I live in. So I still do some research sometimes in my free time.
An other one of my ambitions is becoming a writer (a novelist) as I like fiction, and feel that I have a creative mind for it. I haven’t been able to produce any tangible results however as I lack the patience to finish any work on my own. (As an ENTJ, I am not patient enough to finish all the details that come in a novel. I may be full of creative ideas and thoughts for writing a novel but I am never patient when it comes to filling in the details. Cliche of an ENTJ). Wanting to be a novelist is also a desperate pursuit to gain attention and become influential with people- something I feel I need as an ENTJ.
Lastly, I wish I could get a job where I could be a leader, such as a CEO. I feel I could be excellent at that. And I feel that that would be extremely rewarding for me. But I don’t know how to get such a job with a math degree?. How can I get into the business world and become a leader or a CEO?? Any thoughts?
Thanks for reading and please comment!!