Top Ten Reasons You Shouldn’t Get Married


#1

In our society there is so much focus on getting married and starting a family that tons of people jump blindly into the dark waters and the get swallowed whole by the black abyss. Now really why should we get married? I mean there’s obviously a focus on it and we are brought up believing that’s what we’re supposed to do, but why are we supposed to do it? Because society says so? Because there’s a tax break? Well, honestly I don’t know why we’re supposed to get married, but here are 10 reasons why you shouldn’t:

1. Children – Yea kids are great right? Only when you can give them back to their owners. Again this is something society has instilled in our heads from day one. We are supposed grow up get married and breed. Well the fact of the matter is that kids are damn expensive! The average cost of raising a child from birth to age 18 is $250,000, yes you read that number right. And on top of that ridiculous number some people simply shouldn’t be parents.

2. You feel like you’re at that age – So many guys will simply say screw it let’s get married because they feel like they have reached “that age” and it’s “the thing to do.” Well that’s just rubbish! There is no age limit and there is no “supposed” to do at any certain age. You are just throwing away yourself because of what society has implanted in your brain since you were a child.

3. You think it’s a good financial move – Just because there is a bit of a tax break doesn’t mean you’re going to get married and magically become rich. I’m not sure which fools actually think that will happen but believe you me they are out there. In fact marriage can have the exact opposite effect on your bank account. When you factor in your wife using your money to go shopping on top of the bills, the groceries, two cars etc etc you’ll have a better chance of winding up flat broke out on your ass then you will being rich.

4. You think it will complete you as a person – All I can do is point and laugh if you think this is what it takes to fully grow up. Yea yea so many people will be saying “Well you don’t really know what life is all about till you get married.” Haha that is absurd! You can live a very full and fulfilled life without ever being married. Plus if you stay single you can have so many more awesome adventures without having a nagging wife telling you that you need to take the trash out and get back to fixing things around the house. Now, that alone doesn’t sound like fun.

5. The wedding itself – Do you know how stupidly expensive a wedding is? You thought raising a child was expensive? Well, yea it is but to start it all off you have another quarter of a million dollars to deal with to make sure your bride is happy. And yes you have to make sure she is happy, it honestly doesn’t matter how you feel about anything through the whole process. All you want to do is wear something a little more comfortable then a monkey suit and have a damn beer, but that’s not even close the way it goes. You more or less have to ask permission to breathe to make sure it fits into the schedule.

6. The marriage itself – Have you ever had a long time girlfriend? Well then you know how nerve racking it can be at times. Now multiply that annoying nerve racking feeling and then make it last for 40 years! It’s absolutely ridiculous!!! Why would any want to wake up next to the same annoying person day after day while you watch them sleep and plan their demise? It’s baffling how people would want to go through all of that, and even worse they sit there and take it day after day and don’t break it off. Then they tell their friends how awful their wife is, so why not leave? Why not even do it in the first place? DUH!

7. Divorce – In this day and age divorce is a very common thing. Over half the marriages in the U.S. End in divorce after a few years. That means that you don’t even have a 50-50 chance of surviving. You have LESS than 50% chance of making something that actually works for the long run. And guess what, yep more money. Divorces are not cheap by any means, you have lawyer fees, court costs and then of course once it’s over the man still loses half of his assets. Granted a lot of us end up losing our assets the longer we have a girlfriend so by the time you are married you aren’t left with much, but she will gladly take what’s left.

8. The ridiculous notion that women are the relationship – There’s no other way to put it and you know exactly what I mean. The entire relationship becomes about the woman, now a relationship is supposed to be two people sharing a life together but somewhere along the line you get completely shut out of the picture. It doesn’t matter what you like, what you want to do, nothing about you matters anymore. You have to cater to the woman and make sure she is happy 24-7 or you are going to end up less happy than her.

9. The absurd thought that how she feels rules your world – Now don’t get me wrong you should care about other people’s feelings other than your own but they shouldn’t rule your life. Once you’re married there’s nothing you can do if she isn’t happy. She will pout around the house, give you the cold shoulder, skip out on your dinner and just overall make you feel like crap. You shouldn’t ever have to worry about every little aspect of someone’s inner workings just so you can get a glimpse of happiness.

10. Loss of sex – This is a big part of an intimate relationship and for whatever reason women all of a sudden lose their sex drive as soon as they are married. Like what happened to the thongs and heels and hour long rough screaming sex?! They act like they have forgotten how to do anything from oral sex to intercourse and they stick firm to it as though they came down with some odd illness that prevents them from remembering how to screw. And then to make things worse they actually turn around and use it as a weapon against us. “Hun if you go mow the lawn and pick up the groceries we can go back to the bedroom.” Dangling the carrot in front of your face just to pull it away at the last second.

There are many people out there who have gotten married and divorced and they keep on looking for the next special someone. Why does everyone look around and say “Is this the line to lose half my shit? Awesome!” and jump in line like someone is giving away a Ferrari. Society has twisted our views and made us believe this is what we are supposed to do, but I ask you, why are we supposed to do it? Well I just gave you ten reasons you shouldn’t, so take THAT society!

nomarriage.com/top-ten-reaso … t-married/


#2

100%…AGREEE.


#3

You guys are so screwed in the brains! Did you even have mothers? If so, you must not have enjoyed it.

Firstly, I think the key element of marriage is commitment, and without that there is no emotional security. I think that probably means more to a woman than to a man, hence the emphasis. Not all women want a fancy or elaborate wedding. I know quite a few who have done it in a registry office, and that does the job, doesn’t it. As far as shopping, my teenage son just reminded me last night how I hate shopping. To me it is a waste of time. And if you want to live your lives without a wife, that’s your choice. Children can be seen as a blessing or burden. You clearly only think the latter. There is so much wealth in the experiences of life, particularly with young children. They can be so hilarious in their immature perceptions of life. Learning to work together is an aspect that the whole fabric of society is built upon. Like it or not, kids actually need fathers and mothers. Now I’m not saying that’s cause for motivation, but rather the needs of children do need to be considered. A part time father figure isn’t as convincing. And as far as dangling a carrot…that’s exactly what I experienced recently. It was mean and felt horrible. I am more up front than that . And regarding everything revolving around the woman, well I experienced those exact same things only everything was revolving around the man. He was a control freak and my only social outlet was my children…very sad but so it was.

I think it’s way to easy to have a bad experience and then generalize the outcome. Wasabi, your wife was obviously not sensitive to your needs, as was my husband. Your wife was cruel and heartless, or so it seemes, and you were duped because you were so trusting. So then what is the answer? Do we just sit around feeling sorry for ourselves and never give it another try, or do we make a bigger effort to be positive and realize that the sacrifices of love reap other rewards that money could never buy? If money is all you think about then don’t get married. But if people matter to you as well, then considering it is an option. There is a man who I love. I have always loved him. But that doesn’t mean I will give myself up for him. I’ve done that before and it wasn’t nice. No, I am me and if he doesn’t like aspects of that then we need to talk. Otherwise, you are right, why marry? For those who propose that the cup is half full, I would think trying again would be an option. Not everyone wants the big fancy showcase. Just remember that all people are different. It is painful to think everything is right just to find out that you were wrong. But once the pain heals, it is possible to try again. I really do hope that both of you can find a love that takes you beyond this, and helps you see that working together can help you accomplish your deepest desires for connection and satisfaction, which you are still obviously bitter about not achieving yet.


#4

You guys are so screwed in the brains! Did you even have mothers? If so, you must not have enjoyed it. There’s a deep seated satisfaction in a marriage that succeeds. Though I was working with a patient who married her high-school sweet heart. He died then she didn’t cope. She ended up dying too. Expectations and planning can avoid such a dilemma.

Firstly, I think the key element of marriage is commitment, and without that there is no emotional platform. I think that probably means more to a woman than to a man, hence the emphasis. Not all women want a fancy or elaborate wedding. I know quite a few who have done it in a registry office, and that does the job, doesn’t it. As far as shopping, my teenage son just reminded me last night how I hate shopping. To me it is a waste of time. And if you want to live your lives without a wife, that’s your choice. Children can be seen as a blessing or burden. You clearly only think the latter. There is so much wealth in the experiences of life, particularly with young children. They can be so hilarious in their immature perceptions of life. Learning to work together is an aspect that the whole fabric of society is built upon. Like it or not, kids actually need fathers and mothers. Now I’m not saying that’s cause for motivation, but rather the needs of children do need to be considered. A part time father figure isn’t as convincing. And as far as dangling a carrot…that’s exactly what I experienced recently. It was mean and felt horrible. I am more up front than that . And regarding everything revolving around the woman, well I experienced those exact same things only everything was revolving around the man. He was a control freak and my only social outlet was my children…very sad but so it was.

I think it’s way to easy to have a bad experience and then generalize the outcome. This whole arguement is built upon presumption: the presumption that all women are the same and that what you have experienced in one context predicts all other contexts. Variety, guys! Wasabi, your wife was obviously not sensitive to your needs, as was my husband. Your wife was cruel and heartless, or so it seemes, and you were duped because you were so trusting. So then what is the answer? Do we just sit around feeling sorry for ourselves and never give it another try, or do we make a bigger effort to be positive and realize that the sacrifices of love reap other rewards that money could never buy? If money is all you think about then don’t get married. But if people matter to you as well, then considering it is an option. There is a man who I love. I have always loved him. But that doesn’t mean I will give myself up for him. I’ve done that before and it wasn’t nice. No, I am me and if he doesn’t like aspects of that then we need to talk. Otherwise, you are right, why marry? For those who propose that the cup is half full, I would think trying again would be an option. Not everyone wants the big fancy showcase. Just remember that all people are different. It is painful to think everything is right just to find out that you were wrong. But once the pain heals, it is possible to try again. I really do hope that both of you can find a love that takes you beyond this, and helps you see that working together can help you accomplish your deepest desires for connection and satisfaction, which you are still obviously bitter about not achieving yet.


#5

I’m not married. And never was.

As for the rest of your topic, I mostly agree. However, let me introduce you another view point. Tell me what you think.

We are living in totally destroyed society. This is a fact. Individualism is beyound of control. Everyone thinks that they can survive on their own. This is a false belief. Nobody can survive alone. And never was able. Think about new born kids. How can they survive today without their parents (or other adults) looking after them. This is impossible. Each one of us all owe our lives to another adults in one way or another. Individualism is a false idea. But a fair amount of it is also required. But not the one that makes a person think that absolute individualism is possible. More often than not, we all depend on others for both our security and happiness than we realize.

So, coming from that fact, marrige is also part of that line of tought. You are right. Team work is what kids are taught. And they are the product of team work too. However, let me tell you that team work in current society is almost dead. That why in America there are only 20% of kids living with their parents together (it was 49% back in 1960s). So this is the proof that team work is dead. Now, the death of team work doesnt exclusively mean no kids or no marriage. The social security, financial security also goes into that hell hole. Again, coming from that fact, if people cannot secure their social standing and be free in exploring other avenues of happiness (usually financial), there is no way a marriage could work. Marriage is far more advanced for of alliance between two people than a cooperation for financial stability, or social security is. If the smaller portion of cooperation has failed, why should far advanced form of it even have a chance to survive.

It does not. Nor does the marriage.

If the social cooperation did work, marriage would be more wide spread. And all the benefits of the marrige that you have listen could be experienced. I see no way of this happening anymore in our current society.

Our society (worldwide, and its pretty much the same now), is in crossroads. It either will fall into tyranny of draconian proportions (something like feodal regime back in middle ages) or second human revolution against them will happen. Unless that happens, we are pretty much screwed.


#6

I see your perspective if you’re looking only withing the context of an evolving society filled with individualism and demanding expectations. These demands one places upon themself first. A certain lifestyle or living standard is set, albeit unconsciously, and anything that destroys this vision or hope of achieving the living standards one desires sets the individual in a state of distress of turmoil based upon disappointment and failed expectations. How many well off couples who go for it and build their mansion end up in divorce? How many poorer couples are driven towards divorce because of the decline in their own set position in life based upon family life? Children require so much from their parents. And financially, as has been said, basically parents lose just about everything in order to provide for their children. That sounds very grim, doesn’t it. But so it is. The thing is, it is often the more individualistic parent who leaves; the one who is concerned that their own self image will be tainted, or their time will be diminished, or their finances will be stretched beyond what they either expected or foresaw. It is tragic! But for the single parents, it becomes even more difficult because now the job which requires two parents now becomes the job of only one parent. Clearly the children suffer the most. And that can be heart breaking in itself. Expectations that even the single parent may have had for their children gradually slide. Until the single parent can re-establish those conditions which were present once, or even better, the original goals for the children cannot be met. Then on the other hand is the needs of the single parent. How on earth can they have what they once had or desired to have? With children involved, clearly the picture becomes so different than it would be if there were not. It takes so much work for the single parent to climb out of the hole, lift the children out as well one by one, and help them become established on solid ground. To build what once was takes a lot longer. This is a very real reason to not be married in the first place because it really is not a pretty picture. However, the children really are worth it in every regard. Their little lives are what drives the single parent on to achieve greater and more wonderful things. Now this aspect in itself can be seen in a negative light. But it has historically been through hardship that new discoveries are made. By being pushed beyond the limits amazing things can be achieved. But in a society which is so buffered it is hardly necessary for such limits to be reached let alone broached. Comfort, or as Francis Shaeffer calls it, “personal peace and affluence”, becomes the primary motivation of the individual and drives them to do whatever seems necessary to achieve this. When life begins to become uncomfortable, the easiest conclusion is to bail. But bailing does not create life, nor does it support or extend the life that already is. Focusing on one’s own satisfaction would necessitate ignoring the needs of those without. Giving to others becomes something that would only be done if there was either a payback like a tax break or the feeling of pleasure from doing good to others. In the grand scheme of things there are and will always be needy people in this world. If you take Hitler’s approach, you could attempt a clear erradication of all failing dispositions according to some individual’s estimation. But as we know, this is not humane.
Coming back to marriage now, we have choices to make. We either support the giving lifestyle which ultimately leads to a greater personal satisfaction through the investment of lives (though it is true that such an investment needs to be worth while in the end or its clearly a bad choice and a devaluation of one’s own personal worth and assets). Psychologically people tend to be more satisfied through the engagement of reproduction and satisfying relationships (I have no citation for this, merely personal observation). I have met many older people who have regrets. One such individual I met in a nursing home in 1993. This lady had two children. One died in his thirties and the other in his fifties. Her husband had also died and she was left alone. She advised me to not have only a few children because loneliness is so terrible. I believe this to be true.
Then we can look at the extended families of the European cultures. It is not uncommon for several generations in one family to live together. Westerners could probably not even fathom that idea. In fact, it is not uncommon for western people to not even be on speaking terms with their parents. This fact is probably due to the rise of science and education which debunks a lot of the previous generations theories and thoughts on living life. This turn around has flung society into the individualisation of the unique person as has been said.
Life seems to be produced and developed at the optimum capacity in the context of a committed relationship. This works best for parents, children, and even care of the elderly. Marriage seals such a deal with a commitment to sustain the “institution”. I believe this is the best relational environment for all. Commitment without marriage? Yes I think that could work. If both partners were solid in their self awareness, satisfaction and management then a happy and solid partnership can be sustained, presumably. In a marriage situation there is a subtle dependance which often emerges, erroding the beauty and wonder of being in love and distorting the clarification of two individuals. This is also not good. But being aware of this and working towards positive, happy and rewarding relationships in the context of a solid marriage is, in my opinion, the best situation. Wisdom, knowledge and understanding are developed. Tolerance of conditions and disabilities are more grounded through the community of family. Yes, this could occur without having to be married. But through the ownership of a connection such as marriage, the individual is more likely, in my own opinion, to succeed in both understanding and acceptance of these things. Health reasons both physically and mentally are benefits too. And it is for these reasons that I think that marriage is the best option. Further erosion of connection and individualisation will have to thrust the current society into a different direction as has been mentioned. This satisfies in the present. But I believe the long term benefits for both the individual and others is best for all in the bigger picture. It is clearly up to each person to decide for themself. Would I get myself into a big hell hole after working so hard to get myself out of my own? Probably not. But if I were on my own and saw the needs of the people and realized that I could help in strengthening these people and achieving something worthwhile then I would probably seriously consider it. That’s my spiel on this. Thanks for reading.


#7

Marriage is not the best option. And marriage is not the only place where you can have such experiences. Family, your parents, you can have the same experience with them. Of course you say Westerners don’t have such experience, as they leave their famileis and its not uncommon if they are not even on talking terms with them, so then how can they have a marriage? Isn’t it is the same?

Perhpas what people don’t understand, is that the whole communities, are somewhat larger families. And just likey you support your own parents, supporting large family members is also imperative. It is also develops the wisdom and experience that a marriage or family can provide. Therefore, marriage is not the only place you can experience this. And certainly not the best option either.

On the other hand, how can you expect someone to have a stable marriage, if the person doesnt have a stable relationship with his/her surroundings. The same could go to the communities.

I think marriage is different. Because in family life, you do not grow up your parents. They are already grown up. But if you are growing up children, you better come on this very well prepared. Some people simply should not even be parents, because they are too stupid for it.


#8

Well,
I have read (most) of what both of you have written and it is very in-depth.
Here’s my personal and small contribution to the situation…

Thinking about marriage makes me feel ill and sad almost as soon as considering it. The talk of it incites a psychic scar. I really don’t mean to be a debbie downer but here is my experience:

Poor family, awful father (whom I was so attached to) fought and hit each other and I have a vivid memory of scratching my face and eyes because they were so dry of tears, divorced when I was 8. My mother drank at that time as well. We moved to another city and I was literally alone. My mother did not teach me all that my father had; how to skate, how to tie my shoes, how to swim, and such. She is a hermit; never visited family, never left the computer, never had interest in anything aside from her photography and strange online friends. My life quieted down immediately after and all the extroversion I had (I know I had it; I was so happy and clingy to the people my father had me around) came to a halt because my father provided me with this love. I was confused and the happiness and the way I communicated it didn’t cross over well to students in my class, so I went even further into the background; I was made fun of for wanting to be so incredibly involved with others. Everything changed. I didn’t have much contact with my father for a decade and my mother never encouraged it, not once. Nor did she allow me to see my father; however, he didn’t actually ask her himself. I believe he was trying to use me as a tool to get under my mother’s skin and it never happened. As I was growing up, I was displaying traits of my father and my mother abashed me for it. I began to hate her and demand positive attention to which she said all things negative about me just wanting to be the center of the universe. My argument was that I was a child and she was my mother, and that this was natural. I didn’t need anyone to tell me that; I know it. It never panned out. She was unhappy in her new marriage. She treated my stepfather awfully. Then she became a raging alcoholic and…It was horrific. I left my senior year to rebuild a bridge with my father and lied to my mother about it. (I told her I wanted to be there for the summer.) I could tell she knew and feared that I wanted to just get away and not for the summer. After her realization of the reality I had set to her, she broke down. She says she puts it in the past, but I know sure as hell exists that she hasn’t. Recently, my father tried to make me give him money to get my sister up with him as well, and wanted me to lie to my mother again. But now that they have communicated (about me when I was with him) I told them it was uneccessary to lie. He called me trash and worthless and whatnot. There lies my family. I’m not saying that there isn’t hope, but man…There’s such a small amount it’s barely visible.

So, I am not set on any marriage. If I could approximate, I’d say that most all members of my family divorced and remarried. Thinking of marriage makes me feel ill. Thinking about a live baby in me makes me feel like I should be throwing up right now. I don’t think I could be a good mother or wife; what structure can I base my own marriage off of? What man would have the patience to deal with me, sincerely? How would I know? And how, would I know it could work? Especially with how much influence the military plays in my life? Blegh. Marriage=Eh, you know, I could probably live without. I’ve done well so far.

This post is riddled with error but it’s kind of moot to deal with.


#9

That good side you have seen in your father will haunt you. It’s such a thing. Doesn’t let forget. So I say there is a good chance that you will get back to your father. Mother, she will just tag along with her neck inside the bottle.

As for you, just ready to get that whip. Those little kids that you call “parents” will need to get some of your military “parenting” style very soon.

It will work. At least to a degree. A degree that will let you get quite far away.


#10

You have a nice way of wording things. Double meanings. “Good side” in my father? The one that “helped” me get up to him. With all these amazing things he did for me even though he didn’t really want to as a way to guilt me into paying for my sister’s flight to him next? Or the “good side” (as in sarcasm) that the way he was with my mother will come to challenge the men whom date me? Both, either way, is true. He won’t let me forget the greatness he had provided me my senior year. I didn’t need him to do things he didn’t want to do, as a father or a person. He owed me nothing but a “Hello, how was your day honey?” And a “Goodbye, I love you! Have a good day at school :slight_smile:” I was very self-sufficiant my senior year. I carried two jobs, cross country, JROTC, and school; I led my father where he didn’t have to go. All I needed was a better environment than the one I’d left and some healthy love. The fact that his initial intentions were to use that against me-metaphorically made him trash at the bottom of a barrel where other poorly-functioning people are in my mind. Prideful, I know. He deserved purgatory in my mind. I spilled my fathers hidden intentions to my mother and silence from him commenced…He got bitter and pitiful…
As far as marriage goes, no man will ever put me into an emotional wrenching position of guilt that is illogically-based (fuck, I’m not 4 anymore) and I will also not allow one to stay near me once learned of his dirty deed with another woman.

Recently, my mother said this:
“To a young child growing up, we may feel cool and univiting. We weren’t cold but it may have seemed like that to a child. Especially one that felt they were looking into the family from the outside. Then, they may develope opinions that actually are not true. I know, I’ve been there. Thus far, the only opinion that has stuck about an indifferent family member is…my uncle. Anyway. My elders and it includes my generation (for the most part), is that our children (in the family) were expected to show some interest about the family of their own. In other words, it’s a two way street.
Somewhere after being a child but not an adult yet, kids should be actually considering their family and wanting to be part of it…Not just someone who wants/needs everyone to consider their only wants/needs and end of story…like a small child would. If they don’t, then the elder family members will not be especially interested in a one-way relationship with someone who cares nothing for anyone else. Thus, that young person’s wrong opinions continue.”

To which I curtly responded with:
“Yea, I didn’t find our family cold but uninviting to a point and I wasn’t really too bothered because I’m the same. I’ve inherited those traits too. I say, if you don’t give love to a child growing up other than basic needs and you neglect to encourage loving tendencies and interest— these things you want to get from us growing kids isn’t developed, and shouldn’t be frowned on by an elder family member who didn’t do their job providing emotional growth to us kids, which passed on to the grandkids.
I don’t think trees need to be given food and water and then left there to grow on their own in a dessert. No.
It is definitely a two way street and I tried showing my ways of love where I could. I think, on a small level that I was successful since I really was so shy and fearful of older family members I hardly knew. What can I do if I have no actual tools shown to me?
Reinventing the wheel is easy. But making emotional connections isn’t as; It’s way more specific. Especially if those connections weren’t created early on. Then it’s that much harder…” Pff.
Her neck is in a bottle, for sure—running along with the dramatic commentary of my father and I back then and avoiding answering my own. Dysfunctional families… Haha, I’m so free right now…The emotional and mental standing of my family and I are just much different. Dragging personality types in, my mother is a reclusive INTP. I believe my father is an undeveloped ENTJ. My sister is an emotional ENTP, my grandmother is a sweet-souled INFJ, my grandfather an INTP…Majority of my family are introverted NT’s or EP’s; we’re odd. I think I am one of the only INTJ’s to come out of the family. A good friend of mine believes (after discussing so much of my past) that I was a born a terrifyingly innocent and loving ENFJ that imploded into an E and then INTJ in defense of my mother’s NTP calloused observations of me as a person while growing up. If I were to marry, I need a stable and progressive ENTJ male or a stable and progressive ENFJ…Both with college as myself and a rooted job. Hehe, a new “era” of standards will start with myself.


#11

Ahh! Where to begin.

To summarize in one sentence, you hate yourself. Not your family. Not your father or mother. Just yourself. You know why? Becuase you feel very weak in front of them. And for that, you just prove to be an INTJ. No ENFP or ENFJ or whatever shit you talk about.

You are young and stupid. Just like I was. The similarity here in incredible.

Just ask my question please. How does it feel when you remember your father when you was 4? Do you feel regret? Do you wish things were completely otherwise? Do you wish none of that crap has happened and you were totally normal family?

Btw, your mother is absolutely right. Gotta love those INTP’s.

I know you will hate me. But I can handle that.


#12

Throw a bone of reason. I am weak when thinking of marriage and kids and a husband, maybe because of them and yes, and in front of them too. That is weakness I am not afraid of giving up to my parents for evaluation. I’ve already discussed marriage and divorce with both; they obviously picked up on the fact that it was a subject I felt weak on. I don’t “hate” myself for my weaknesses. What is best to do is embrace it, not hate and suppress. Willing to completely embrace it right now is my only issue.

I didn’t say I was other than an INTJ now, but as a child. Psh, I don’t need you to know that I’ve changed, ha. Or maybe you didn’t fully read, I’m not sure.

Young and stupid like you, how cute? No explaination. I’m so gullible that I’m convinced, just like that. Reasoning please.

What was, is what is. It happened. I don’t need to talk to you to know that a divorce and a divorce like this isn’t uncommon. It’s what made our family what it is. Though, like most everyone else, I do kind of wish it just happened differently…My mother and father and I would not have been happy forcing ourselves to live with each other years and years later. Who knows where I would be…

No, I beg to differ. Mamma is not right. You did not grow with her. So where are you willing to make judgements and pass conclusions without knowing the full backstory? Tread reasonably; You’re talking about my mother…

Also, I don’t hate you until you have a reason to give me. So far all I got was a bark of amusement and crass judgement. That’s not worth hating but to be :laughing: at and brushed away. You just sound like a forever youthful punk; persnickety, and I’m not bothered. I don’t think you are more than 7 years older than myself. I just want some reasoning behind your statements; pretty dry there.


#13

You are threatened by your own weakness towards your parent. They took advantage of you, so you already know they can. And the best way (in your mind) of never letting that happening is to limit your interactions with them. By limiting your interactions, you are killing your own hapiness. The same thing is with marriage. Basicly, what you dont realize is that you can have all of it without letting yourself get abused. But you dont have that kind of experience. At this moment, you are focused elsewhere.

Your dad ran away because he couldnt handle it, now it is you. I can see a pattern here.


#14

Okay, that is reason.
There’s a difference between my father and I. It is that I won’t hide forever. I don’t know how he did it. I can only take time to hide and reflect for so long before it’s time to move again.


#15

Yes there is a difference. I agree. That must be E to I difference here. While he got himself into a situation that he couldnt handle himself (and before fixing financial problems), you seem to not get interested in fixing your own problem even AFTER fixing your financial problems.

This is worse.


#16

You’re wrong about me :slight_smile: A man behind an armed schoolgirl picture can’t tell me otherwise.
I didn’t come here to flap my gappy and leave empty-handed, ha.
Financial problems, what?


#17

He asks you money to bring him your sister. That means financial problems for HIM.

Fine, if you dont want to discuss it, I will drop it.


#18

Oh yea. Yea, he isn’t that financially intelligent either. He spends money almost entirely based on emotion.
No, it’s not that I don’t WANT to discuss it anymore, it’s just that I feel that I don’t NEED to anymore. You have very good points. I work in little blocks after a suspended amount of time. Although breaking chunks and making progress in chunks is better but my hands need to remain on the steering wheel; chunks for me is not doing so. That is just something I’m not used to, at least I don’t view myself as someone who personally matures in large steps.

Seriously though on a more sober note, my mother didn’t consider the possibility of my father running away from marriage until I brought it up; neither of us thought about it. He’s married once for one year after 8 years of singleness and now he has completely given up on marriage and encourages me to do the same but I can’t entirely. It’s just a thing of timing in heart. I am focused elsewhere. It ISN’T impossible to have a successful marriage. He drinks his sorrows away; he hates marriage. He’s afraid. In the core I am, but I don’t feel it is as pitifully displayed. I don’t drink it down and as negative I view the aspect, I do reserve a teeny room for possibility. I think it will just be close to impossible for any good man to keep me but I think it will happen in the very end at least. Mebbe.

If I wasn’t interested in fixing a problem I wouldn’t listen to what you have to say, I wouldn’t have offered anything to the topic; I just wouldn’t have cared, and I wouldn’t have talked to mi madre. We do think there is an emotional problem with him that makes him incapable of carrying a marriage. We really think his infidelity fucked up his confidence once discovered by everyone and he broke down from shame. Later in his future marriage he was challenged and he gave up. This is speculation and some word on the marriage itself from him. He’s very emotionally stirred. He clutches onto his mistakes and drowns in them. He breaks down very easily; he balks at my points of trying to make conversation. He’s like putty to me…I can’t believe his emotional maturity. For him, I’d have to ask him that direct question myself about running away from marriage but to me it is clear.

It all just goes back into the psychology of his upbringing too, and that is a pot of gold I haven’t dipped into yet; I hadn’t asked him for himself. I found a lot of disturbing things about his parents through my mother’s own experiences at that time. From that I’m not surprised that he has commitment/confidence issues.

So what in the world is there left to discuss. Ha


#19

The fact that he remarried after divorce tells me other things. If he thought that marriage was wrong and premature, then why he remarried again? It tells me only one thing. A trapped person. This could happen. He probably sees marriage as the solution to his problems. But it didn’t turn out as he expected. So instead of trying to have something good out of this institution, he only got shame, disgust and actally given up on everything. This can happen too. The fact that he doesnt cares about keeping proper check over the money, tells me that he has given up about life alltogether. Pity thing. At this point, he probably doesn’t care about any of you. Nor does he care about what others think about him.

Obviously you don’t think about him right now. As you have said, you are focused elsewhere. The fact is, he needs both of you, and probably everyone else around him more than you let yourself belive. He probably doesn’t let everyone else to know either due to pride, or just simply because he’s inexperienced in that. Whatever it is, the fact that people are not supporting him makes it irrelevant.

Why he got into his situation? You said he came from bad family. His family ties probably were too weak. (Typical westerner). Then he found your mother. And decided that cooperation could be the solution. Of course that was wrong. It probably costs him his entire life of consequences now.

Anyway, I want to end that conversation now, because it comes to the same things that I keep telling everyone (even on this forum). I don’t want to act like a broken record.


#20

You’re awesome.