So whats changed in how you perceive your dad?
I thought you didn’t want to talk about anything here anymore.
Well for 1 thing, he is MUCH older and so (even though he is stil incredibly emotional to me) he has gotten incredibly better about it. That is about the one difference.
So did I. Things can change.
He has got incredibly better about it? Is that even a change of perception?
I mean did your outlook of him changed for you? Do you think he makes more sense now?
You are crazy. Not literally. But your curiosity confuses me. Sometimes you get so in depth and skip around and change that I just can’t entirely follow and I need a day or two of space. You’re kind of mentally exhausting.
I remember my father as impulsive based off emotion while arguing with my mother then when I was growing up and he became violent as my parent’s marriage began to fall.
He is still emotional but he lost energy to physically act on it; he lacks his youthful violent tendancies and threats. Now his emotional acts are pitiful to me if not disgusting. For example; I’d lived with him one full year and my sister came up to visit for the summer. My sister and I are very active and went places and we were having a really, really awesome summer. Then we would hang out at home with my father and brother on the weekends. He told me, through a text message–To leave and take my sister with me. For a while. He said this also while driving away. I did take my sister and myself and we did leave and we did stay with a friend for a couple days while I gave him a cold wall to pound on for treating my sister and I that way. I was tired of his very WEIRD behavior leading up to his stupid little outburst and I was not ready to give him the time of day at all. He was just stupid. I’d asked him what was wrong and I’d get an, “Oh you know…I’m just tired today.” I didn’t want to wait around that dark apartment after his text and when he returned to see him walk into the door and then just avoid talking about a problem all over again. I hated him for emotionally twisting me. Telling your daughters to leave—is fucking retarded.
Maybe I’ve just been removed for so long from that marriage that I’ve learned what is totally fucking stupid and what isn’t. Going through worse with two unstable and young parents back then at the age of 4 to 8 was awful; I had no control. All I understood was chaos and wreckage. Also, asking (and complaining) the eldest to discipline the children isn’t how you do things either. You fucking do the fucking job yourself as a fucking parent. Duh. Yes, he literally wanted me to be “the bad guy” and parent. He always talked about loving versus discipline. He asked me to do this. “Help him out…You are the eldest sister and I need your help.” I didn’t totally understand then. Well, I ended up helping and then I ended up being the one to go to and I was not about to have that at all. I’m not “mom.” I’m not “the boss.” And I’m not going to defy what my father says to them first even if what he says doesn’t make sense or is right. Retardation also lies in trying to make your eldest daughter lie to your ex wife for you (then accusing her of lying about that), and for asking your eldest daughter to pitch in for finances to support lying ect. I correct myself; it wasn’t he who has matured emotionally so much but myself. Right…I know, I’m so judgemental…
This is difficult to talk about. I’ve been wanting to write him. But I have, and he comes back at me with totally different interpretations of what I literally meant. Example: I have had dreams of being pregnant before doing challenging things (like picking a college and pursuing a higher education with a full-time job) and he took it as I was literally pregnant even though I SAID. That I WASN’T. I’m not retarded. Really, I’m not. He freaked out. Maybe he actually hasn’t really matured; I think it was just me. Has has also verbally or through writing, responded to me this way…“Oh I love you daughter, we are beyond that now.” This is what he does after every issue we have…
Does he hold on what he said and keep enforcing it too? Or he just ignores previous quarrels like nothing happened? For example he said “take your sister and leave” and then after a while when you somehow try to come back, he says “I said leave, why did you come back?” vs. you came back and he mentions nothing about what happened before. Keeps acting as if bad things havent happened between you at all?
I didn’t give him a chance to physically come back and find me there. I had asked again when he initially told me to leave and yes he did repeat himself. Other times yes, I passed off his weird behavior and when I brought up the subject, he acted as if nothing happened; he just ignored it or said, “Honey, that’s done now okay? Let’s go skating!” And smile. Or say something lame like that. He sometimes talked a little about it but usually ended up changing the subject and insisting on talking about something else or nothing at all.
I’m so glad you just wrote back.
I wrote my father as I cannot call him at work and I went straight to the source this time like you advised.
I’ve done so before, but maybe not as directly as I should have to really be effective.
There is one more thing I want you to add to your list of reasons why you should never get married. And that is, if you don’t want to be a really fucking good parent. (Or if you know that you are SERIOUSLY unprepared…For the girls who are 16 and pregnant…And for the guys who helped them get that way too. And for those other young people who just hop into the sack of marriage before checking the logistics and intelligence/emotional standing of each other.)
Your dad is fine. This is how he deals with stress. The reason why he said “yes leave” again, is because he still was angry. And forgot about it when anger gone. The point is, your dad is fine. He will be there for you when you hit the rock.
Now what I wonder is how many years has to pass before this happens. 1? 2? 5? 10?
Who will be accountable for the lost time?
Um, duh-both of us. We both have the potential to fix the problems we’ve had between us and fix them to the point that they won’t happen again. Are you suggesting that I should be first to move? I have been. I just did it again. Just differently.
Dealing with stress is by ignoring further exploration of what initially caused the problem? Even if the reason why is forgotten?Great philosophy.
If they aren’t hashed reasonably, these problems continue. He remembers these things when I bring them up…
YOU go hit the rock. There’s no rock for me; just water. I’d rather hit water
Just when you are going to start appretiating what you have over what you not have? When you are going to stop nitpicking the past and start looking to the future. Look at the possibilities of what you can accomplish even with “unperfect” person? Get over with it. Dont look at people emotional problems. Look at what you can accoplish. And be thankful for what you got (no matter how small). It could be worse. You could have…nothing. Even 1% of good is better than nothing.
These problems will continue as long as you give them importance. Change your focus on what works. Stop wasting your time on what not works. Thats efficiency.
You can ignore the rock as much as you want. And keep rising above the water. Dont ever think for a moment that once all hell goes loose hitting that water will be any different than hitting the rock. You can hide, but you cant escape.
Efficiency or die babe!
let me add up:
- if you can not be a giver, dont love anyone or be a taker
- if you can not commit, dont marry
- if you dont wantto be/can not be a good parent, or can not give your children a fulfill life, bear
For # 1: be a taker means a selfish person. Why love someone while you just love yourself only? Also, being a taker also means you owe someone something, and of course, nothing is for free in this world.
For # 2: you would end up with devorce soon, why marry?
For # 3: your children will curse you for having born them.
I reckon marriage is for those who want it. For those who don’t…don’t. I don’t really care right now since i’m not able to dote over a man 24/7 and who would want to anyway?..(perhaps me). I think love and connection are fantastic when they happen. I think keeping it going can be hard work, but shouldn’t if things are good. I think the future is uncertain for anyone. If Jesus hates everyone too then who gives a damn. We have to live our lives as we see fit. My thoughts are really worthless unless you value them. I know someone I love, but he is probably in a different place to me now and that just proves how uncertain life is and can be. I think solid values can last and become rigid obstacles. I love good sex, but don’t get it. I want an excellent man in my life because that’s what i want. And I want him because he is excellent in my ridiculous eyes, not because he has to be excellent. Crikey, if he wasn’t in the first place there’s no way I’d be picking him, that’s for sure. Anyway, if you don’t want to marry, go right on ahead. But loneliness isn’t nice either and I just hope you don’t feel that way. If you can never marry and never be lonely you are a real winner!
My only reason for liking marriage is because i feel safer. i have one person to look at and know which is simpler, one person to care for and receive love and care from…could become stale, and one person to give it back. Sounds rather like hard work really. But going through it year after year is supposed to build memories and affection. It sounds good, but is unlikely in today’s world. Dream, dream, dream. Constancy is required and that is not possible. Things change too much these days.
The past can be depressing. The future doesn’t have to be.
||: I’d prefer to just grab a guy, love him, and fuck him till we’ve had enough :||
But do guys respect women who do this? Or do they treat them like trash? What kind of microscopic difficulties arise. Sex without a condom? It seems that the more I look at this topic, the more lazy and relaxed marriage appears to be and the more appealing non-marriage is. Hmmmmmmmm. Tell me if you’re in the mood what else on this topic I should know. Jesus keeps people marriage minded. What else? If you look in the Bible there are plenty of people having sex who aren’t married. And Isaac’s marriage was simply taking Rebekah into his mother’s tent. Hmmmmmmm. I hate religion! It’s all connected you know.
It’s interesting all the religious thinking that is still around affecting people who aren’t really religious, or don’t try to follow all of the religion, but just certain parts. Seems most Christians just pick the commandments that work for them. It seems more about tradition than an actual religious code. I feel like I follow the commandments about as well as most Christians without actually believing in them, just due to the fact that I don’t need to lie, cheat, steal, murder etc.
I’m not ranting about religion. I’m always open to it being true. What I do mind is when it’s a black and white thing, yet people who call themselves Christians are often in the grey area. A lot of people are putting them through marriage’s constraints for something they only half believe or are half committed to. It seems like a joke to me.
I enjoy the idea of marriage for the simplicity and the heavier effort on working and maintaining the relationship, but committing for a lifetime seems unrealistic, at least at this point of time. I couldn’t see myself being able to propose to somebody with confidence that it would last for our lifetimes. It seems like a much better idea to divert that money towards something like travel.
Brad I totally agree. I mean, what is a person’s word? I commited my life to a man nineteen years ago and we only saw fourteen. Hmmmmmm. That tells me that I really need to think twice about commiting myself to a man again. How can trust be born under such circumstances. Perhaps this is a premise causing second marriages to fail faster. I like the ideal of marriage. But to actually maintain it for life takes something I don’t know that I have. Not that I was against working on my first. I was actually the worker in that regard, and he the doer and abandoner…if that makes sense. It takes practical work and commitment. That’s the key word which is often missing. I know another person who would have been totally commited to his marriage if he wasn’t so abused along the way. I think I’ve learnt a lot about how a marriage can actually work and last. But finding someone who is in the same mind space as me, and stays with me and me with him for the next bunch of decades…not so sure. I think one step at a time works well. I stuffed up a perfectly good relationship in the making recently by mentioning the m word…only because that seemed like a natural outcome and I couldn’t wait to legitimately get his pants off because he’s sooooo hot! But that aside, there really does need to be so much more to a relationship. I know it’s possible. But I also know both people need to be on board. I can’t even find that man any more. I wish I could.
You are right in saying religious people don’t take it all, only the bits that suit them. So many religions offer so many options here. But an authentic person realizes that living by absolute conviction and consistency is the only way.
I believe marriage is the ideal. But few there be who can maintain it in today’s world.
I’m curious to hear what you find is practical in work and commitment. I could imagine one persons practical could be quite different from anothers. Perhaps that was what you were getting at.
I had a girl do something like that to me. The relationship only lasted for a month after before I broke things off. Commitment can be scary if you know what really needs to be done to keep it.
I believe commitment is ideal. Not so sure if I feel the same about marriage. I think a lot can be taken away from a relationship when there’s a frame around it.
Brad, people can work their arses off, for what? To work their arses off? Work is required in the building of any good thing. But there is really no point in working if commitment from both parties is not present. That is the key. And caring for the other, cherishing and nurturing the other promotes a healthy commitment…at least I think so. My definitionof marriage and commitment are the same in the monogamous relationship context. Perhaps terminology is a put off. But words are important. If I ever made vows to a man again I would be saying something like, “I will try to make every effort to love you every day, to care for you above all others, and to tend to your needs”, etc rather than “I will”. Such absolutes do confine and restrain, whereas “I will try” admits potential failure and offers a continual start to each new day. To fail to “I will” basically seems to end the covenant. But to fail at “I will try” allows the old “if at first you don’t succeed: try, try again” which is what my family live by. The reality is we are human and we will fail!
Communication is important and commitment. Having the buffer of love, that soft place to “fall”, allows grace, freedom and liberty. Whether it’s called marriage or commitment doesn’t bother me. The substantial qualities which we’ve discussed do.
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