What did you most want from your parents?


#1

Hi. I have an ENTJ 5 year old kid. As a NF, I was totally mystified by this kid—until her MBTI showed me that she’s essentially hard-wired to take over the world, not cuddle and be all lovey-dovey. What did you guys want from your parents? What did your parents do that helped you the most, or that you most appreciated? What do you wish that your parents didn’t do? What do you wish that they would have done instead?

Thanks,
momofafirecracker


#2

3 Things I’m thankful my parents did:

1- They gave me a lot of books and a computer. ‘Te’ needs lots of intellectual stimulus in order to be proper developed and TV kinda sucks at that.

2- They didn’t overprotected me. This one is probably hard to do with a girl when you live in a sexist word. But then again you should try. ENTJs are decisive and hate to be in an inferior position. Soon enough SHE will be protecting you.

3- Didn’t forced me into traditional roles. The bad news is that ENTJs kids will ultimately be what they want to be. You might as well support. Show her what activities are possible and then let her choose. If you try to push her into “the family business”, “the family way” or something, you are headed to disappointment. The good news is that, as long as she has good material and emotional support, this should be something that probably will make you pride. You know, because we hate to lose, never compromise, are bent and dominate our areas and are generally badass sons o’ bitches.

Things they shouldn’t have done:

1- Force me to go to the church. Despite my personal belief that no sane person would ever want to go there, it was plan wrong of mom to force me since I clearly stated at the age of 10 that I didn’t wanted to go. I know it is hard to take into account the will of a 10 year old, but believe me, an 10 year old ‘NT’ thinker can be more reasonable than lots of growing ups in environments where information runs free. And our will is important to us.

2- Inventing crazy shit. This one goes specially for dad. Your rules should really make sense or be prepared to be overwhelmed by arguing or just plan disobeyed. Quite frankly, not judging things based on how you feel is quite hard, since you are a ‘F’ type. Try to work on your ‘T’ side and adopt rational decisions when dealing with your child. Explain all the “whys” and “hows” and never say “because I said so”.

3- Put me down for being who I am. ENTJs can be very unemotional, detached and distant. My parents (and also some other people!), specially my mother, often interpreted that as if I didn’t appreciate them. This is not the case. It is just that we are too busy thinking about WHY we like them or being sure they are fed, protected, etc for “hugs” or “talking about feelings”. Be prepare, because when we DO show feelings, they will be deep, strong and serious.

Well, this is what I’ve got on top of my head. Any specifics be free to ask (man, it feels funny to actually SAY somebody is free to ask in an ENTJ forum… ENTJs KNOW they’re free to ask… =P)

Good lucky with your ENTJ child! I’m glad another rational has came to be (no offense, but the world could use it…)!


#3

Yaaaaaaaaaay! Ok, I’m having an ENFP moment here, and I’m dancing a little bit. :smiley:

Sligh, you just made my day, because we’re actually DOING those things! My husband is an INTJ, so we’re used to rational-ness a bit in my household. So, when I have to tell her “No,” 90% of the time, it’s phrased in the form of, “No, you can’t touch the grill while it’s hot, because it will BURN you, and you’ll have to go to the hospital.” I can’t just say, “No.” It won’t work. She has already thought of 33 perfectly good reasons why she should touch the grill. Good to know this actually MEANS something to you world-dominators, lol!

We absolutely don’t make up crazy stuff—we know she can tell when we’re lying, lol! If she asks, “Why are you and daddy sad/talking/laughing/whispering?” then we will tell her as close to the truth as we can without being inappropriate. For example, I lost a baby this past August, so if I got a bit weepy at a random moment, I just told her the truth–I’m sad about the baby. If she asked how the baby got to my belly, I told her God/daddy put it there, and left it at that. How will it come out? I go to the hospital, and the doctors help take it out, etc.

The traditional roles thing has been kind’ve weird. I’ve tried to talk to her about different choices, based on what I’ve seen her enjoy/be good at. (Singer, business owner, director) Since I’m a stay-at-home mom, and she’s infinitely more organized than I will EVER be, she’s decided for now that she’s going to be a stay-at-home mom too, so she can have 17 kids, and do it much better than mommy! Go for it, kid. As soon as you’ve grown up, I’m going to write a novel about raising you. :slight_smile: But my NF-ness means that I would never encourage her to be someone that she’s not. You should see this kid directing all the neighborhood kids in a game!

TV has been a bit of a struggle in my household, so we’ve established designated TV times, put a book-nook in one of the rooms, and gotten used to turning the dadgum thing off. I hate it. I would just as soon put a brick through it. Hubby disagrees and hubby is an INTJ. :slight_smile: Hubby wins for now.

This was really good to hear: “Put me down for being who I am. ENTJs can be very unemotional, detached and distant. My parents (and also some other people!), specially my mother, often interpreted that as if I didn’t appreciate them. This is not the case. It is just that we are too busy thinking about WHY we like them or being sure they are fed, protected, etc for “hugs” or “talking about feelings”. Be prepare, because when we DO show feelings, they will be deep, strong and serious.”
–>My 5 year old has been really unemotional about other people getting hurt. I’ve scolded her for that repeatedly, ie, “Your sister is HURT, why are you worrying about Barbie’s wardrobe?” Well, maybe she saw that sister wasn’t badly hurt, or figured that since mommy had it under control, that she didn’t need to be worried.

Right now, she accepts our religion, mostly because she believes it to be true. (YOU GUYS will probably believe me when I tell you that a FIVE year old can understand this stuff! Most people don’t believe me!) The thing is, we answer her questions. Every. Single. Time. We don’t tell her that she just has to accept something as fact “just because we say” or “on faith.” We believe that the Bible tells us to ask questions, so we ask them, and let our kids ask them.

I am too overprotective. She wants to kill bad guys. I’m sure she could!!! But one time we had a drunk guy come up on our porch, and start banging on the doors and windows, screaming, etc. This kid (she was 4 at the time), I kid-you-not, wanted to go outside and beat up this bad guy!!! I literally had to sit on her to stop her from going outside while my husband called the police. That line about how “one day, she’ll be protecting you” literally sent chills up my spine. I believe it.

I do have lots of questions, and I appreciate you guys being available. :slight_smile: Thanks so much for the reassurance that we’re at least on MOSTLY the right track.


#4

Just answer her “whys” and “hows”. This kid is lucky to be born to 2 intuitive parents. I wish I had that.


#5

Of course you wish it.

But of course, you are too dumbed down in front of your computer to realize that it is not people who build your life, but you. And only you. Even though your parents were good people, you probably would still be head in the butt.


#6

I think what Sligh said is very useful,. He mostly said what i wanted to say. However, i’d love to add some more that i hope this can help you out with your child, Momofafirecracker.
im female, live in Asian culture. My mother is ISFJ, not ENFP as you are.
I think:

  • ENTJ even when a child could be very independent and have high self awareness, do not try to fit her in any box, DONT SET HER LIFE by yourself. This will reduce her potential abilities and development. Let her decide for her life. If you think she is in wrong way, try to explain ( with logical reason and real life example), and let her get it, then she should know what she should do. Be a Mentor only. Dont decide for her life.
  • Dont overprotect her in wool. This is the best way to kill her life fast.
  • education: support her as much as you can in education ( ENTJ have biggest trait is to be intellectual and learn hardly). The biggest gift you give her is supporting her in education, she will owe you for that.
  • Business: Should not put her opinion in business down ( even if she is child), as you might find it very valuable later on.
  • Traditional things:cooking, homework… things that help her marriage life later on: show her in term of learning new things, make her curious. She might find it helpful and even be eager to learn it by herself. Dont make it a MUST.
  • ENTJ child is hyperactive, even female. ( i even fought with boys when i was a child). Dont compare your child with other normal girls and try to ask her to be like that. She can not. Just explain her what is good and bad for her. She will understand by her own. And hence, adjust her behaviours.
  • ENTJ is not like an F type. So dont expect her to say those " i love you" or like these words much. It’s odd to her. If we love a person, we care deeply for that person- by action. Love is expressed by action, not by words.
  • She might be not aware of other’s feelings. It doesnt mean that she doesnt care of the person. If you are upset, hurt… due to her, tell her. Dont expect her to read all these signs by staying silent. Tell her what she does can make you happy. If she loves you, she will do that for you, by her willing. Dont be overly emotional/ cry. It’s terrible thing to see. Especially if it repeats all the time.

PS: I and my mother is totally different- a contradiction in thinking. But I still think she is a great mother and i owe her many things. Being right or wrong, good or bad, she is always my mother, and I always respect that. So, Momofafirecracker, dont be so cautious that you might do something wrong for her. ( except if you are meant to do so or be cruel- which i dont see from you). She will still love you as her mother because she would know that all you do is due to your love for her. :slight_smile:
Iron Mickey has an ENFP mother, i think he can help you out.
Cheer!


#7

At 5 years old, I wouldn’t be worrying about their MBTI. Children’s personalities are continually developing and changing until their late teens. Trying to typecast them at this age could possibly cause more harm than good. I think it would be more prudent to listen to what she says to determine her needs and wants. To better connect with you child, look into NLP to determine her learning style. If you want to know what she wants…ask her. I have 3 sons and they all tell me what they want and do not want. In fact it is bordering spoiled, but I respect the fact that they ask and communicate their wants and needs. As an ENTJ I prefer to tell people what I want. I do not like random gift that serve now purpose. :laughing:


#8

Until I moved out at 18, I really just wanted them to leave me alone, stop doing everything for me, and let me learn from my own mistakes. Take care of the basic necessities, but have a life of your own, and give me some independence. It’s the best way to become competent and mentally healthy.


#9

Yeah. Independence is a top priority for NTs. The most important thing I’ll try to teach my children is to be independent.


#10

Glad to help. You say you have more questions, then I’m available for any others. But make them into the form of questions (?), cause even though it was entertaining to read your post about some kid who reminds me so much of my own childhood, I can’t possibly elaborate about each point you’ve mentioned without being superficial.


#11

Good advice!
But because she is an F type. especially NF, who is considered a very caring person. Maybe she is so worried for her first little child, who she thinks is an ENTJ which is harder to raise up than other types. I can understand.


#12

Lamar,

I am curious, why do you say ENTJ’s are harder to raise than other types? Is this just your subjective opinion?
If they truly are harder to raise in what way is that?

I know as the eldest child and eldest grandchild on both sides, my mother and I did not get along well
Neither did I get along well with my father until many years after I left home.
I am extremely stong willed.

mserogerb


#13

My mother always says I was an easy child to raise. No problems in school (straight As), no problems at home, all I wanted to do is play football with my friends, play video games and watch Cartoon Network and educational programs (Discovery, National Geographic…).


#14

It’s my personal experience. So you can say it’s subjective opinion. For the details, sorry, i guess it’s a little private, so i wont tell it here.


#15

I just wanted to see where you learned that about ENTJ’s being hard to raise so I could go there and learn what the author had to say about it.

mserogerb


#16


#17


#18

LOL! “Why is an ENTJ harder to raise?” Simply look through some of the posts on what “not” to say to an ENTJ, viewtopic.php?f=27&t=158 and imagine any of those phrases coming out of the mouth of a 5-year-old. I’ve heard every single one of those phrases. :smiley: It doesn’t matter what the topic is, what the discussion is about, what the request is, etc: my ENTJ thinks she is the final authority on any subject, and will fight you till the end of time to prove it.
Just imagine this simple dialogue:

Mom: "We need to go."
ENTJ: "No we don’t. We haven’t finished playing."
Mom: [Starts to give reasons] We have to leave in five minutes, or you won’t make it in time for the goldfish crackers."
ENTJ: "Can’t you drive faster?"
Mom: "No, the police will stop me."
ENTJ: “Oh, well, I don’t want goldfish crackers anyway.”

Imagine that over any number of issues: eating, dressing, learning, manners, hygiene, friendships, siblings, possessions, etc. The above scene gets repeated an endless amount of times, unless I consistently enforce consequences. “You do it NOW or you will lose your Hello Kitty until bedtime.” Until I discovered the MBTI guidelines for kids, I simply didn’t get this kid. I couldn’t understand her need to argue over everything. And, as an ENFP, this HURT. It hurt daily. It felt like rejection to the 10th power. (Especially since she would behave so perfectly for everyone else!) I know, I know, since you guys are ENTJs, you’ll see that as dumb weakness, but I really don’t care. I care about her and want to understand her and have a good relationship with her.

As ENTJ’s, you might feel passionately about not “labeling” a kid, but remember, I’m an NFP: I’m flexible, and I’m deeply concerned with the quality of relationships. The MBTI is a guideline for me to understand her, but it can certainly be changed.

Ok, I’m really sleepy (both my kids have been sick, and now I’m sick, so we’ve been up all night for a few nights now.) Sorry for the rambling, I’m going to sleep.

blessings,
Momofafirecracker.


#19

I admire the initiative your’e taking in trying to understand your little girl - she’s a very lucky child.


#20

So you have any advice for her that can help her with her little kid? Try to think some, who knows one day you will have to look back at it to apply for your daughter? :sunglasses: