What did you most want from your parents?


#21

you’re an ENFP that is parenting an ENTJ. Wow…

My nuclear family are all I_F_.
ENTJ children comes with instructions. You just have to ask for it.
Ask her what she likes and doesn’t like and why. What bothers her about people and the world.

When you take her to a science museum. Ask her what’s wrong with something or ask for the flaws, but at the very end, ask her what she likes about it and how can she apply a few things from it.
Praise. My family didn’t praise me much. Also, be genuine in your praises. We can smell bullshit and it can be offensive. Keep your praises short and concise. Less to be skeptic about.
ENTJs will experience inferiority very often. Jealousy from other people. Feelers are sensitive to feeling small and weak and useless in the presence of an ENTJ. ENTJ’s will put out a vibe that can intimidate people. My family is intimidated by my potential. My father was the emo blacksheep of his family because all his brothers were successful and honor students. He shuts down easily when he feels outdone and outclassed. My father hates feeling small and seen as useless so he takes out his frustrations on me when I show signs that I’m a very talented/capable person. Do not make my father’s mistake.

If your daughter confronts you with a list of parental errors you’ve made, embrace it. That’s their way of telling you that they wish to collaborate and have an effective/good relationship with you.

Your child is not sneaky. They’re calculating. My mother always gave me a good scolding when she sees me being sneaky. I’m not, I’m calculating and formulating things on how to be effective in my objectives.

As a feeler, you will avoid confrontations like a woman would avoid a mouse. Undo that. You can’t learn and improve if you can’t sit and discuss the problems like civilised human beings. Always act work-professional around her if you want her to feel safe. Sit and discuss things. Talk about ideas and how to apply them. You have a special child. You’re blessed with an ENTJ. ENTJ females are the best. They can be reasoned with.

Put your daughter on the soccer team. Most likely, she’ll be like my cousin…the goalie, because my cousin feels like it’s her versus everyone. =]


#22

I know this is late but JIC and just to provide my own personal input (I’m 18 so the whole parenting story is fresh in my mind) it can be simply put: Don’t force anything.

Mother = ESTP, father = INTJ.

My entire life my mother has been forcing me to pursue things merely to satisfy her own, personal, egoic desires.
Good reasons for the things she’d force me to do? No. Only deceitful justifications.
Haven’t spoken to her for – 11 months and 22 days now, :slight_smile:

Father? Well, he understands. Been living with him since and haven’t argued even once.

Point is this: The best thing you can do for an ENTJ child is educate them / encourage them / strongly urge them (voice your opinion) towards certain directions.

As long as they understand the effects of drugs, alcohol, foolish sex; the repercussion of crossing the street without looking both ways, etc. etc. – you can and should be able to trust that they’ll make the right decisions with that knowledge.

The reason being that raising an ENTJ child in an oppressive environment is likely to not only A) not get you what you want and B) cause too much unnecessary conflict, but can also C) cause life-long resentment and D) deep-rooted psychological wounds in your child.

This is all of course speaking from personal experience / the few observations of others I’ve been able to make.


#23

That doesn’t make her useless. Besides, once you learn to put aside your differences and focus on what works, it could open a new page of possibilities. I realize that you are young and stupid. I don’t mean to judge you. It’s just the fact of life. Some people around you are just different. Some people are really stupid. Some others are just different. Those who are different are not to be put aside and ridiculed. They are to be mobilized. Just like your mother. She’s different than you. I understand that she put you through something that you didn’t like. But once you develop bullshit mitigation shield in your mind, I’m sure you will start tapping on the resources that her difference could provide. I realize that putting aside grudge-match could prove to be difficult, but it will come in time. Let’s not mistake different people from those who are really stupid and ready to cut the branch of tree they are sitting on.

Tell your father to man up and look outside of his prejudices too. He’s not 18 years old after all.

An ENTJ is not a mommas boy. They are survivors. I’m sure a bad environment is not an excuse to fuck up throughout their lives. Yes they can be burned. Hurt…or even worse. But they will still prevail. No matter what the odds.


#24

I mean yes and no. Seems to me like you’re missing the points of both what I was saying and the main purpose of this thread.

Sure, an ENTJ can prevail regardless of the circumstances – but that’s not the point – the parent was simply asking for advice on what will and what won’t work on an ENTJ child. And so I provided my personal input – based not on biases or personal grudges that I may hold against my parents but based on an objective observation of exactly what it is that didn’t work: attempted dictatorship.

The reason I mentioned I’ve exiled her from my life for the time being was to emphasize ^. The underlying factors for my decision aren’t because I find her ‘useless’ or can’t find a way put her to good use – it’s far more complex than that.

As for my father (throughout my life) – what I meant to say was that he understands what does/doesn’t work with ME. It comes down do a few points:
a) setting very basic, necessary ground rules but letting me figure out the rest through trial/error (eg I’m not allowed to have girls sleep over because it might negatively influence my younger siblings but he never enforced doing HW/eating healthy/respecting others etc. --and overtime I’ve developed those skills quite successfully
b) unsolicited advice – well he still has something of a bad habit with that but he’s learning slowly that it’s pointless. He usually understands that he should save his advice for when I actually need it.
c) back when I was financially dependent he’d give me a set amount of $ each month and let me organize/handle it myself. – This simple gesture is good for many reasons. As an ENTJ child your kid will really only be dependent on you for very few things. Money/resources being probably the most important – this’ll help your child build many organizational and other skills as well as self-confidence (since NTs in general earn a lot of their self-worth from autonomy).

ENTJs survivors? Yes. Life-long resentment = the understanding/acceptance that no matter how many times you lead the horse to water and regardless of how many different paths you try it just WON’T drink.

I mean, some parents are there when you need them but some parents hover over your shoulder whether you like it or not like an obsessive, needy girlfriend. In psychology we call this ‘negative reinforcement’ / escape+avoidance learning – getting rid of an aversive stimulus which impedes your progress.

Survivors? Definitely. Doesn’t mean they’re immune to deep psychological wounding. Why cause it when you can avoid it and STILL be a successful parent? In fact, even more successful?

We’re simply discussing certain aspects of parenting which we believe would be effective in raising an ENTJ child based on our own subjective experiences and objective (as possible) observations.

These aren’t absolutes, but there are reasons for everything we have to say.


#25

It is you who have problems with that. Not me. Anyway, I can see that my point wasn’t received. I’m unwilling to continue this conversation. And I’m dropping it. Have fun.


#26

I wanted respect mainly. Since I am constantly learning and analyzing my life and the world around me, the most important thing for me was respect. My parents gave me this. My father was annoyed by my constant questioning everything when I was young. He didn’t have the answers. His stupid responses caused me to not respect him because he didn’t even seem to want to learn or improve the world we were living in. That annoyed me and still does. My mother tried to answer all my questions or head me in the right direction to do so. While my dad didn’t have the answers and my mum tried, they both realized when I was very young that I was usually right in what I stated and if there were any discrepancies in factual evidence, I proved to them that my word was reliable. Every point I make is backed up by evidence and valid arguements. Finding sources of learning and physical methods of ordering your child’s life will help. I’m a builder, so for me I get one thing right then move on to the next and get that in order. I expect the work that I have already done to be maintained. This makes it easier to move on to the next thing and not waste my time.
There is a whole world out there to conquer and having parental support at a young age helps with that.